DrGAKMAN YouTube

July 19, 2018

More rejection...

Every girl rejects me in one way or another...I'm just never good enough for any of them, it seems.  It's sad that most girls seem to make up in their mind right away, without even knowing me, that I'm not good enough.  I've said to myself I'd rather a girl be up front to reject me right away since I'm not good at reading them so I know where I stand.  I'd rather they do that than be wishy-washy with mixed signals and unclear or take the mealy-mouthed approach and try to be so nice with their form of rejecting me so as not to hurt my feelings, as if losing them means I'll be suicidal since they're so good and I'm so pathetic.

Go ahead, hurt my feelings, let me know that you think.  I'd rather know you're a stuck-up conceited person before I get emotionally invested.  Does that sound bitter, sure...but I'm being honest 'cos I'd rather be rejected like that than to have a girl act as if she has to be so nice since being rejected by them is a devastating thing that I may just kill myself over her 'cos they're so much better than me and I'm just a poor, clueless loser that needs to be coddled.

I've heard every excuse for their rejection, but what it really comes down to is that most of them really don't have a good reason to reject me.  You're too negative, you're an asshole, you come on too strong, you move too fast, you're desperate...when I've seen guys who actually ARE like that get girls.  I've been made out to be some villainous character preying on weak girls, like I'm Gaston from Beauty & The Beast.

Some girls don't even know why they don't like me...they'll say I'm handsome, sweet, great and a man with a good heart...all of these positive traits, yet still not good enough?  I like compliments, but they're kinda meaningless when they give them to me only to follow it up with that they still don't like me "like that".  And it's really conceited too, since I've gotten this from girls I don't even want "like that"...then the next phase is to compliment me and shove me along my way so I can move on where they give me bad advice to try to help me with the next girl that I'll fail with JUST so that I won't pursue them anymore.

I get upset 'cos it's predictable.  I go out of my way to figure WHY they reject me...there has to be a reason, right?  Most are not willing to answer and they take the next conceited step and tell me to get over it or move on like as if I still want them or something.  If you don't want me (especially for no good reason) then I don't want you...but my broken logical side imbalanced with my emotional side does want to know why I was rejected.  Problem is, most of them don't even know why.  Chemistry, vibes, bla bla bla...bullshit!

Yes I sound bitter and angry and that's unattractive, yadda yadda...I just try to make sense of things I'll never understand.  They don't even understand their own minds and here I am trying to.

Not saying there isn't good reason to reject someone: if you have way different lives, goals, interests, beliefs, etc. then you probably wouldn't be a good fit...or if you've got feelings someone else or just want to be alone...or if you're simply not attracted to them, okay.  What I don't like is when a girl will say in one breath that I'm great or attractive and then in the next breath reject me like as if I'm not.  And I know there's a difference between finding someone attractive vs being attracted to them just like there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, but sometimes it doesn't make sense.  That's how fuzzy feelings go, I guess.  And my feelings don't matter here, what matters is that a girl feels safe and comfy.

This last rejection I was completely positive, did not move too fast or come on too strong.  Over two months ago I complimented her smile 'cos it made me happy...I did not pursue her online, I didn't say or do anything weird, we just smiled, waved and said hello every time we saw each other sometimes with light chit-chat.  My goal was not to get her or even ask her out...I just asked her yesterday if she was seeing anyone.

"I see NO people!  At all!"

This sweet smiling person quickly turned into this angry, vengeful, mean, defensive creature it seemed.  I could tell, she was hurt by someone so bad that she felt she had to lash out at me for seeming interested in her.  Couldn't even respond...

"You have a nice day!"

Was it me...no, I did nothing wrong, normally I'd take it personally but with how forceful she was with what she said...that couldn't be my fault.  I'm not that bad or that ugly, I didn't hurt her, I didn't even know her.  I tried to figure it out, see things from her POV; maybe she was having a bad day, maybe she faked being nice to me the whole time 'cos she was at work and it was her job, maybe I remind her of a bad ex, maybe guys were asking her out all the time and she was tired of it, maybe this, maybe that.

But that's not my fault or my problem.  That's something for her to deal with, so I walked away and I really don't want anything to do with her now 'cos she took my kindness and spit all over it.  I know where I stand, so I thank her for that.  I didn't really know her well enough to be too hurt by it and while I'll always wonder why...really, it doesn't matter.

And in that, maybe life is trying to teach me how to take rejection better.  At other points in my life I would've burst into tears or made a scene...heh, over some girl I don't even know.  I would've written her a letter asking her what I did wrong, I would've tried to get an answer and come off like a crazy stalker or some shit.  An answer that's not even there...sometimes (er, most times) girls just don't like me.  And that's their problem!

I'm still a lil' upset, but I'm taking this rejection better than I have other ones in the past.  I'm trying to coat past rejections with this "it don't matter" perspective!  While I'm glad she was clear that she didn't want me, just wish it wasn't so outta nowhere angry.  She was visibly angry...at me???  I kinda feel sorry for her 'cos I see her hurting with what she said and how she said it.  She wasn't rejecting me personally...she was rejecting her own pain.

Rejection is gonna happen and sometimes, for no good reason that I'll never make sense of.  That's okay, it's nothing new for me.  Happens to me a lot, but oh well...it's really their problem, 'cos they really don't know what they're missin'!

I coulda overreacted, in fact that was my instinct...but I didn't.  Just walked away.  And soon after, I hatched another Alola Vulpix in PokeMon GO which I've been needing for a long while now and I was happy.

Part of me wonders how to proceed...there's another girl I like and if she rejects me too, I dunno...guess I'll give up again?  Pursue fantasy more, seek a healthy way to find relief without a girl, wait for a girl to come to me instead of going after them or just accept I'm gonna be alone?  I've been told that maybe I need a meaningless fling, heh...I can't even get a girl to roleplay with me online or even a date irl!  Who knows...I'm just trying to learn, grow and choose happiness no matter what.

July 12, 2018

ASIA Without You



Without You (like all songs ASIA with me) has a significant place in my heart.  It's obviously a love song, but it's also got a very sad, bittersweet undertone.  It's not the happy, floaty butterfly love, it's possibly a lost love you can't forget or a love coming to an end or love and separation.


For me personally and more recently there was a someone I never wanted to be without...and even though I lost this lover, there will never be a day, without her.  I think we both knew it was coming to an end, I had sent her this song and it's lyrics and while I didn't want things to end between us, they did...and maybe this song was a sad prelude to that.

Best friends who became lovers but tried to change back into just friends...so the line: "wanting things the way they used to be, you don't know what that can do to me" is a reference to that.  Then followed with: "one more day maybe never, might as well be forever" is a reference to the fact we kept putting off meeting in person and being the friends we promised to be, only that each day we didn't meet turned into forever.  Other lines and even sounds from this song remind me of her in a sad, had to be this way, kind of way.

But even still, I love her like I love all my girls...for life.  As time will go, both of us will know, there will never be a day, without you.  She will always be in my mind, every day.



I found this rare live in NY version of the song from their first tour, I need to get this bootleg Alchymya album!

So, I decided to sing it...I know I'm not a good singer, at least...I can't do John Wetton's vocals justice (but then, who could?) but I tried.  I haven't been able to write write or draw due to personal problems I've already spoken of, but I wanted to make some actual content for my Blogger so I'm singing...

I tried to test out my new phone, different video styles and to try some self-karaoke.  My vocals are...well...I know I can do better, but I also don't want to bog myself down with too much preparation (procrastination) or post-production nonsense so I'm just wingin' it.  I wanted something that wouldn't be too difficult since I tend to be an unsatisfied perfectionist with things so I went with a this simple shoot it and upload it deal.



Test 1) I used an app called DU Recorder which records your phone's screen directly and even allowed me to do a lil' picture-in-picture of myself while the YouTube video of it played on my phone.  Held my phone horizontally to shoot then had to rotate the video 'cos of the way DU Recorder recorded it vertically.



Test 2) I directly recorded myself on my phone, while I played the music on my home theater set-up in the background.  Then I added a background image to fill out the screen horizontally.  Held my phone vertically to shoot and then once I added the background image it was done.

First, I have to say my new phone is awesome with a great camera & microphone and the DU Recorder app (and it's video editor) is amazing, too...isn't technology wonderful?  Years ago, you would've needed so much more stuff to make something like this work...and yet this does a good job and I see the potential for more things to with it...but again, I also don't wanna fall into too much over-production crap; this needs to be fast, easy & raw so I can continue making content rather than being too picky and never finishing anything.

Second, there's pros & cons with each of these.  I'm leaning more towards the first video 'cos I like the smaller picture-in-picture of myself so it's less about my face (and what's behind me...do I need a green screen now?) and more about the overall song.  Seemed a lil' easier to shoot, with a lil' more freedom to control things as the video is going and the file size seemed smaller so it uploaded faster.  With that freedom comes the cons of seeing everything happening on my phone, ya know...like that pop-up coming up to inform me that my battery was at 15% ha ha...also, it was hard to hear the music since it was coming from the phone (and not my home theater set-up), but the phone's speaker had to be turned down so it didn't drown me out.  I could go on'n'on about these pros & cons, but...

Third, regardless of each tests' pros & cons...I don't know which really sounds better yet.  I want the music to be clear enough without drowning out my voice, but I also want to sound good enough to go along with the music.  The end product matters more than any pros & cons I've listed.

I think there's a third route where I could run the music through my home theater set-up like in the second test, but still do the picture-in-picture over something else like in the first test.  Instead of running the music from the phone I could just go to an image or a gallery of images to scroll through to show behind my picture-in-picture of myself singing?  Just have to be careful not to overdo it 'cos I wanna keep this simple.  I think I'll try that with my next karaoke video.

Something else to think about is that I plan to do more karaoke stuff using this DU Recorder app, but I also plan to use it to do other videos where I'm playing games or browsing things online.  Some looks better in vertical mode, while others look better horizontally.  If the video from the phone's screen is vertical, then I'll have to make a background to add borders to make the end video horizontal.  I have so many ideas, kinda excited...

My grandmother has passed away


My grandmother, my mother and my niece Sarah

I love my family, but I'm pretty much estranged from them.  I'm the bastard, so I don't really feel like a part of them.  I was the last to find out grandma died, her funeral is today and I only just found out yesterday that she had died last week.  I'm sure I could get off work and try to hunt for proper clothes and a ride...but why?  I'm not a funeral person, I will find out where she is buried later on and pay my respects on my own.  Most of those who would show up would only be for show, 'cos she had money and 'cos they want to pretend they loved her.

I loved her...I wanted to see her, but my aunt put her in a home far off that I couldn't get to on the bus.  For years I had family...and friends...promise to take me to see her, but they never did.  She was born in 1920 making her 97 when she passed...it had been over a decade since I had seen her last.  I was afraid to go without someone she would recognize (like mom) 'cos I didn't wanna scare her 'cos she might not know who I was.  After grandpa died my mom called her every night and sometimes I'd talk to her on the phone.  For how old she was, she was very quick-witted and funny with her comebacks.  She lost her mobility first, but then her mind, too...so I knew she wouldn't recognize me.  My fault for not having a car or for relying on broken promises of people who said they'd take me to see her.

After mom had died last year, they all went to go see grandma...without me.

This isn't another sap story for me, though.  I'm happy she can rest with our Heavenly Father now.  It is a solace for me as a believer that I will see my mother and grandmother (and other loved ones) in heaven someday.  I will see them the way God intended them and they will see me the way God intended me.

I can't rely on family or friends to take me to see a loved one or to go out and do the things they promised...promises are meant to be broken.  I'm learning that I can't wait for others to keep those promises, I have to do them myself.  Someday, I will find out where she's buried and go on my own to see her then.  Friends have promised to go out to try new foods and new things with me...like karaoke!  I plan to do that soon, even if it's just by myself with no one to share it with...I'm gonna do it for myself, 'cos I wanna love myself.

July 11, 2018

I broke down...

...I texted her.  She eventually texted me back, so I'm calming down.  There's so much I wanna say to her and ask her, but I don't wanna pester her.  I need to just let things go back to normal naturally and tell myself it's gonna be okay.  We've been through worse and she's still here.

I also need to stop talking about her and about fb on here so much...while it is on my mind, I need to move on to actually creating content for my YouTube & Blogger.  So much planning and so many ideas.


I had made a story and drew a picture for my friend, but I was worried that me being foolish with those things were gonna ruin our friendship.  So I haven't been writing or drawing since then.

My art...my words, are powerful and I need to be careful with them.  I've known this for a while, but I didn't want to admit it like this since it makes me sound like I was boasting about what I create.  But it is powerful, it takes a lot out of me and it can be very taxing on others, so I need to be responsible with these powers.

July 09, 2018

I miss you...

Well, over 2 weeks have passed so fb has deleted all of my profile...all the posts, pics, friends, conversations...gone.  Part of me is a bit sad since I put so much into it, but just as much good I tried to put into it, there also was a lot of bad.  I could ramble on and on about it, but I don't want to...it's gone...it's done.

All the mistakes I made, all the wrongs I did and that were done to me on social media...boy, I needed to get away.  I remember everything, but being off of it and away from it I'm not constantly reminded of all the mistakes and wrong.  I see some people in real life who blocked me on there for whatever reason and while a part of me holds a grudge, I remind myself: "Why?" 'cos I'm not a part of that anymore.


But I miss a particular someone dearly...I wish I could text them, but I dunno if it's too soon to?  I dunno if they'd ever want me to?  Playing PokeMon GO the last couple days I got a text asking: "how'd ya do" referring to the game!  I was so excited, I thought it was her, I thought we could talk again...but it wasn't her.

With their being two of me I am thinking two opposite sides.


One side says she's done with me, we're never gonna be the friends I wanted, I ruined her trust in me, I made a big mistake and I hurt her.  I held onto this idea of writing her a story; not 'cos I wanted her, but to try to cheer her up and give her a dream she confided in me.  The story would be too much, so I took an excerpt from the story and drew a picture from the story of us cooking together.  But the picture came off creepy and sexual (not my intent) and I sent it too her which was crossing a line that...I had no right to.  She's rightfully upset with me, but I take her upset and overreact worried she's gonna cut me off 'cos I didn't know my boundaries with her so I push her away.  It's a long, deep history with us and I went too far and feel awful for it all.

The other side of me says we're connected, we'll always be best of friends, trust can be rebuilt...yes I hurt her, but not on purpose.  We've already been thru so much that this stupid mistake won't ruin us.  A part of her, I know would say: "Just let it go" and I'm trying, but I wish I could explain everything.  Even if all that happened 20 years didn't destroy us, this won't either!  Not that I want to make more mistakes with her, no...just hope it won't take us another 20 years to find each other and be friends again.  I know...we are connected...and we will see each other again someday.  She told me she wasn't going anywhere!  We will be the friends I wanted to be!

I can't chose either of those sides of me, what I need is a balance between this realistic negativity and this delusional positivity in me.  I'm sorry I hurt you and our friendship.  I want to contact you, see you, explain, go back to the way things were...but maybe you need more time, so I'm waiting for you to come back to me.  
I don't want you like that, darlin'...a part of us will always want more...but the story and the drawing (nor my friendship) were not attempts at trying to get something that isn't there.  You've told me so many times to get over it, let go, move on...you think I haven't?  You think I'm clinging to this idea of being with you?  I love for life, but no...I know that wouldn't work, you've made that clear and I don't want you like that!



But I do want you...as my friend.

Not to make some childhood fantasies come true, not to be whining all the time, not to be up your butt every day, not to jump back in with overwhelming feelings, not to hold onto to past mistakes.  No...I want to see you when you get back in town, go out, have fun, be friends!

I know I still need work with my emotions, but I do think getting rid of fb was best for our friendship and best for my health.  I am feeling better...please contact me soon.

This sounds like a pathetic plea...and she probably wouldn't like that with me making it all public like this and all...but while I am doing better, I miss her so...

July 04, 2018

PokeMon GO fun!

So much news (and mysteries) coming to PokeMon GO it's gonna be a huge summer!  There's plenty of places to get this news so not gonna go into all the details, but I am so thankful that work has let me take off Saturday (for Shiny Articuno) and Sunday (for Squirtle Community Day) which means my next paycheck will be dead (since 4TH of July is a short day and cuts into my hours too) but I really don't care...PokeMon GO makes me happy so it's worth the sacrifice.

So Shiny Articuno July 7TH (the Germany unlock)...maybe Shiny Moltres July 21ST (the Chicago unlock)...then maybe Shiny Zapdos later on (the Japanese unlock) and when all 3 are unlocked a big Summer event is unlocked which I imagine is all 3 Legendary Birds unlocked in raids for a longer period of time.  They still have to rotate Regice, Regirock & Registeel as Legendary Raids as well?  We'll see what they do.

The...the big news for Community Day: Squirtle Squad...




Nintendo/PokeMon Company released this video the other day and then it was confirmed: Squirtle's with sunglasses can be encountered from field research tasks on Community Day.  Pointy shades or round shades?  Shiny Squirtle still happening?  Shiny Squirtle Squad???  Will they keep the shades when we evolve them up?  So many mysteries!

The Kettering Raid Train I'm with went out this 4TH of July morning, but I have to work soon.  It'd be cool if I (and some friends) can join them on Shiny Articuno Saturday to hit as many raids as possible in that short 3hr window.  Will all raids be Articuno, or will other raids be out there...more mysteries?  Regardless, I'm on the hunt since I got work off!

I'm thinking Delco Park for Community Day since I need to hatch an Alola Vulpix (to make Alola Ninetails) and Delco is sometimes better than RiverScape for hatching eggs.  So much to do and plan for, arranging meet-ups & rides.  But so exciting, so much fun!  May actually go out to watch fireworks tonight at Delco too after I gt off work...I should jump to lvl39 soon!

July 02, 2018

Leaving facebook, 1 week later update...

I still need a lot of work, but I feel I'm getting better.  Don't wanna focus on fb too much with this post, but it's been over a week.  I do miss a tiny bit of it like talking with some people on there and sharing some pics of stuff I'm doing...but ultimately, I don't miss it too much.  I'm still able talk and share with some thru texting and I don't wanna spend so much time online as I shift my eyes to real life.  I certainly don't miss the bad stuff, things I would see on social media designed to make us react and grudges held 'cos people don't like how I react...not a part of my life anymore.

I've thought of somehow posting pics of stuff online separate from my blogger since blogger isn't as "at your fingertips" as fb was.  There's photo sites where I could upload stuff from my work, stuff I eat, stuff from PokeMon GO, etc., but a lot of those have been turned into social media type things too...which means I would run into the same problems again; online interaction, spending too much time on it...the friends, following, blocking, deleting, reacting...no thanks.  Debated on instagram, but I won't...if I really wanna share something I still have this blogger and my YouTube...forces me to be more creative while having my freedom 'cos I don't have to worry about losing "online buddies".

I'm not an online buddy...I'm a real person!  Social media takes away a lot of our humanity and uniqueness as we just scroll through so much fakeness & nonsense...comparing our lives with others, their online personas (which are often not really them) make you think less of yourself.  Not trying to rant here and start a crusade against the zombification of humanity...I actually have good things going on in my life separate from all that.  Away from that, I'm trying to see it and appreciate it more.

My main fear is losing contact with someone special to me.  Sometimes I wonder if we'll talk again or if I'll see her ever again?  Without fb, I miss her so much, but I also see the wrong I did and it was best to leave fb.  We were so close, but I messed up.  I have a feeling she wants to reach out to me but won't know how 'cos of how I am.  She has my number, but she may be afraid to call or text 'cos then she'd worry about me calling back or texting her back too much, at odd times, talking about stuff we're not ready for.


If she's somehow reading this...I want her to know I miss her, but if she needs more time, I understand.  If she were to contact me, texting would probably be best and I would be very light in texting her back.  We could also chat on my discord channel.  More than that, I wanna see her in person again.

I'm much better in person...for the longest time I used to think my online persona was better than the real life me, but it isn't.  Sure, there's good aspects to my online self, but those extend from the real me when I'm happy.  When I'm sad, adding in online (particularly social media) just amps up my negativity.  That inner self filled with doubt, pity and loathing rears it's ugly head 'cos I gave it a voice online to whine.  I still need to have an outlet (which is what this blogger is for) for some things (not everything, all the time), but I need to let out my frustrations constructively, not destructively.

Speaking of real-life; work has been less tense, I'm playing PokeMon GO more, I got a new phone, been thinking of going out and doing more, even if it's just by myself.  I'm an obsessive person...when applied to people it's not so healthy, but 'cos of my nature, I was able to plow thru some major issues with my new phone (learning about unlocking, working settings, fixing GPS, etc.), but 'cos of applying my obsessiveness to it, it now works great!  I have qualities!  I felt pretty awesome about defeating that puzzle and I've done it before...but more than that, I feel awesome that I'm seeing that in myself and appreciating...myself!


I'm so amazing I caught a Shiny Roselia in PokeMon GO soon after.

July 01, 2018

My love life is much like the Wolverine's


I like Wolverine, but I'm not making this connection to him 'cos I'm a huge fan, nor do I think I'm as desirable or cool as he is.  I just see a lot of correlation between our love lives.


He's had a hard life, love/hate relationships, has been the other man, been the brunt of love triangles, had unrequited love, been with some extremely hot women, has had some torrid long-lasting on-again-off-again love affairs, conditions that make it difficult for him to love and an aspect of his life that keeps him from having a "one true love" since he would outlive any woman he was with.  What keeps me from love is also conditions that make it very difficult for me.  So a lot of similarity I'm choosing to see there since I'm trying to be positive about my broken heart and sordid love life by comparing it to his.

We've both had our Jean Grey/Phoenix/Dark Phoenix, Kayla/Silverfox, Yuriko/Lady Deathstrike heartbreaks but we've also been lucky enough to have lost loves that are still around as friends.

While it's a sad thing...maybe it's our fate to be that kind of man.  Made to be a passionate flash in the pan for many different women having to jump out before getting too burned.  I don't think any of his women would ever forget him.  Same for me.  The woman for him would have to tame a wild beast, be able to keep up with his lust, be extremely patient and be able to handle pain.  Same for me.

I'm sad and lonely a lot, but I've had more love than I deserve from many beautiful girls.  Helps me smile through the tears thinking of it that way.

If I can't end up with my "one true love" than maybe it's okay to have many love affairs?

June 28, 2018

Breaking old fb habits

I woke up from a nightmare this morning and already posted some painful feelings.  I really don't want to go back into my whining on fb mode.

She left me, said she wouldn't, but she did just like all the others.

Her loss.

I ended that last post with "I don't deserve this pain." and I don't!

People who ditch me, think they're too good for me, conceitedly say that I "want them" (even when I don't) while saying they don't???

Their loss.

I'm worth more than that, I've been lowering my standards for years trying to find someone, no...I must raise them again 'cos no matter how down I am and hard I am on myself, I know I deserve better.  I don't want someone who doesn't want me back.

When I say it's their loss, I'm not trying to sound better or like I'm too good...just that if they don't want me, that's THEIR problem.  I've tried to make it my problem; why don't they like me, am I not attractive enough, am I too negative, am I not fun enough, do they want me but are too afraid to admit it.

No...I need to separate things in my mind.  Learn the difference between people who are potentially actual friends and girls who are potentially actual dates.  I need to stop blurring the lines between these things and be happy with what life gives me.

Choosing happiness even after nightmares and bad feelings.

I feel like I'm just babbling all this right now, but there's something in me I know I have to change so I can treat myself better and so that others will treat me better.  But I also have to understand that my happiness is not their problem...it's my choice with or without them.

I know these kinds of posts are very sad and emotional...I'm really trying to find myself so I can let go of certain things and move on.  I have already gotten rid of some things in my life in these last few weeks that I think are helping me heal.  Just wish I could stop these nightmares...memories of past mistakes I've made and wrongs others have done to me.

Woke up from another nightmare...


I shouldn't even be writing this, but I need to let go of this anger and pain.

I waited over two years for a girl to finally come see me and be the friends we promised each other we would be.  I could talk about all the good and the bad, but these nightmares and these feelings I hold on to really prevent me from trusting another girl with my heart ever again.  I woke up needing to vent 'cos I am so emotional about it...still.  These nightmares are so horrible.


But she never came.

I heard every excuse every time she would cancel, I expected her to use the "I've got a hangnail" excuse...but no, she found an even worse excuse.


She had an ex who I despised...he got the best of her, she actually was with him and gave him a chance and he abused that gift.  He used her, abused her, got her pregnant, she got an abortion (which tore her up her heart), he forced sex on her, he ruined her asshole, he cheated on her and gave her vd.  Real winner, guy like that can get and keep a girl like her...yet she wouldn't even meet me.

I bring him up 'cos that was her excuse.  They broke up, no chance of getting back together, she was done with him...but years later they started talking again.  The morning of the day we were finally gonna spend time together a bunch of her friends kept contacting her worried that this ex of her's was killed or had died or some shit.  He didn't.  But for whatever reason, these friends looked to her (his ex from over 6yrs ago) to somehow track him down and see if he was alive.  She found him, he was okay, just a case of mistaken identity of someone who was dead who had the same last name as him but was totally unrelated to him, bla bla bla.

She's a caring person and I don't mean to sound like I don't care, but I knew where this was heading.  She spent all morning worried about an abusive ex bf asshole while basically ignoring me and our plans for that day.  Plans 2 years in the making.  Yes, he coulda been dead and that would be sad and I woulda accepted that excuse not to come see me.  But he wasn't dead.  But she worried herself so much over this guy who treated her like garbage that she ended up ditching me again, this time without even calling it off.  So I blocked her on fb and yadda yadda.

Since then I was hit by a car and I also had an episode of my lung deflating..I coulda died.  She didn't care.  She said she loved me, but if she did why didn't she express the same concern over me almost dying that she did for him not dying?  Guess she only cares about guys who rape her?  That's cruel of me to say, but let's go through this checklist...

1) I mentioned this guy, this ex of hers who used her for sex...she's still friends with him, but not me

2) A different guy who got her her new job and was such a great friend that he let her stay at his place for free when she broke up with her current fiance...yeah he badmouthed her fiance (something she said she wouldn't forgive me doing) and she found out later that he KNEW she was drugged the night she was raped and did nothing to protect her...yeah, she says she hates him, but it's only 'cos of work that they're still friends, but not me

3) The guy who actually drugged and raped her, yeah...they're not friends, but he still contacts her and she obliges him so she can "keep tabs on him", but not me

So why does she still have contact with all these great guys, but not me?  What was my crime against her?  I told her I didn't trust her and I blocked her on fb.  She lied to me, said she loved me, said we'd be the kind of friends I wanted to be, but would cancel every time we were to meet for over 2 years.  Last she told me to stay away from her, so I have.  She didn't tell them to stay away, in fact she still talks to them while ignoring me...ignoring all the love and passion we had for each other online.

Stupid me, I still love her...I still want to be friends.  I'm sure everyone would say that she's no good and I deserve better...but I'm only giving this ugly side of her here to explain my pain, anger and nightmares.  There was a beautiful side to us that I still miss.  Been months since we've talked...so tempted to reach out, but she told me to stay away.  So I have.

Her excuse for not seeing me that day was basically over an abusive ex bf she cared more about than me...I would've rather she cancelled 'cos of a hangnail.

Leaving fb was good, I can no longer look back at our conversations, the good and the bad, not tempted to contact her on there...everything still reminds me of her, though.

Why do girls like that choose rapists over me?  Why do I still love them when my heart is nothing but a stepping stone for them?  Feels good to talk about this and try to let this go...if only someday she might miss me and find my blogger and read these words.  I know I did wrong too, I admit that.  But I don't deserve this pain.