DrGAKMAN Blogger Archives

11.11.2020

This is an archive of some old crap on my Blogger I wanted to clean up...I don't want my Blogger to be filled with this crap so I've dumped it all here as record of what not to do.  I was going through a lot of crap, that I'm still dealing with, but rather than whine all over my Blogger I put it here.  There is some valid stuff here'n'there which I may work into stories I write or into separate pages I'll make later to be more constructive...but most of this stuff was anger and whining and stuff I got off of social media for...so now I've cleaned it off my Blogger.

Still have some cleaning/organizing to do, but I'm gonna stick with just doing small posts for DrGAKMAN Blogger news & small projects and pages for the bigger projects.

---

5.14.2018

there would be no second date

Here's a classic example of how clueless I am about girls and how my negativity gets in the way.

Years ago, a co-worker of ours died.  He once was a local musician and so a bunch of local musicians threw a concert together to honor him.  Is was a celebration of his life.  This was shortly after I had broken up with a long-time gf after many long talks with this co-worker (and friend) who gave good advice on how to handle the situation with her.

So, at this point, I was on the market!  There she was...a girl I had a crush on from years back at the concert.  She didn't know the guy they were holding the concert for, she was just with a friend who knew him...but we talked about him for a bit and she seemed happy to see me since I hadn't seen her since a previous job where she was a frequent customer there.

This girl...wooo boy!  Blonde, glowing smile, so pretty, stacked.  I remember the day she came in to work once wearing an extremely tight t-shirt that said 'Rub the Buddha'...ha ha ha, she giggled so much making me blush when I read it aloud and did a Beavis & Butthead laugh.  And there she was, talkin' to me...she had just broken up, too...so I found her online and we talked and I asked her out to a movie we wanted to see.  The movie was a month away, but we talked every night before bed about all kinds of stuff!

I dunno why, but I always had this superstition (?) about blondes since high school...like they were too pretty, too unapproachable or too unobtainable.  But there she was saying yes to a date with me.  I felt a connection and definitely an attraction...and then date day came...

I was so shy with this blonde chick on our first date.  We were excited to see the movie and already talking about the next movie we'd go see on our next date.  During the movie she mentioned she was cold and my instinct was to warm her...but 'cos of a bad experience with the previous girl I dated...I didn't do anything.  She said it AGAIN...I coulda put my arm around her, I had a flannel I coulda wrapped her in...but stupid me, no.  A third time with a shiver, even and I just froze, didn't even respond to her...I didn't know what to do.

I was clueless I screwed up, she was huffy as she drove me home and I asked her to hang out after and she just dropped my sorry ass off.  I tried to talk to her that night and ask about the next movie we'd go see.  She said, there would be no second date.  I thought things went well, we've been talking every night for the past month and I...I just was flabbergasted!

So the clueless me who shoulda wrapped my arm around her at the movie asked her why.  I don't mind being rejected...I get rejected all the time, but I always have to know why 'cos clueless me is not good at reading girls.

"There's no spark."

I've heard that so many times...chemistry, spark, bla...so negative me took over and scared her off...she just stopped talking to me and eventually deleted me online and when she comes in to where I work now (back with her ex bf) she acts like I don't even exist.

This is how clueless & negative I am...sometimes I feel so hopeless with girls, I'm really dumb to knowing when they like me or not.  She obviously liked me at first, but...something changed.  I blew it.

There were other signs that told me it wouldn't turn into anything, but who knows...if I would have just tried to warm her up...maybe things woulda been better?

---

6.17.2018

I sleep on a couch

Warning, this is a whiny venting post...

I'm stupid when it comes to females.  I just am!  I latch onto one, then when they inevitably reject me or stop talking to me...I feel my whole world crumbling around me.  Everything could be fine, but if the girl I like ignores me or is too busy for me or whatever...I just die inside.  That's not right of me to do and it puts too much stress on us both.

So then I overreact, I get negative, I throw fits like a child denied his candy.  And that's not attractive.  I've had to give up on love with a girl and I'm just about to give up on even being friends with one.

I get bitter and jealous, seeing a guy she might like better than me, 'cos every guy is better than me.  With their stupid cheap confidence and fake smiles...they wouldn't love them like I love them.  But I guess I love too much, I scare them away.  I eventually lose them all.

I wish I could be different...I see myself being this way and I tell myself to stop, but I keep going and I keep losing.  I don't have cheap confidence...I can't be fake...I am real and I wear my heart on my sleeve, much to my own detriment.

I get advice all the time that I never asked for.  They're from people who could never understand; they are positive, they have confidence, they can breath, they can get married, they can have kids, they can have sex, they can love.  They can live.  I am none of the above...

When my mother died, I inherited her couch and got rid of my bed.  I sleep on a couch, which is fine...but when I made the decision to take it...I knew it meant that I would never be able to sleep with a woman again.  I just want to hold a girl all trough the night again, she doesn't even have to be my girl, it doesn't have to be sexual...just as friends.  But now, that is no longer physically possible...

I can't even get a girl on the internet to PRETEND to hold me at night anymore.

A long lost love of mine, I latched onto her when I lost my last lover.  We became such close friends again and that's all I wanted.  I didn't want to just bed her or steal her away, I just wanted to be friends.  Friends who take pictures together, who sing, dance, cook and eat together, who listen to music, play games, cuddle up and watch movies together...who walk and talk together.

But I crossed a line and I can't have her as a best friend.  I just drew a picture of us together cooking breakfast.  In the context of it's intent...it was innocent, I swear.  Not a provocative "morning after sex" breakfast...I can't even fucking have sex!

I hate this pain...and I bring this on myself all the time.  I am now nothing but a miserable secret in her life, soon to be discarded 'cos I'm too inconvenient.  And I did this at the worst time in her life, when she needed me to be strong, but I'm so weak.  I'm sorry I exist.  I shouldn't have feelings, I shouldn't have thought it or drew it out or sent it to her.

I'm gonna miss her so much, she was there when I needed her most, when I lost someone I loved dearly...and now I'm losing her too.  Why is my life so painful...why am I given this want for something I cannot have!?!

EDIT: I want to add here that this post was written at a time when I was real vulnerable and is not indicative of who I really am, at least...I hope not.  I was on the brink of losing my job, my best friend, my sanity and it led me to deleting my facebook so I was pretty emotional.

I am not sorry I exist.  She is still my best friend in my heart and while what I did was wrong, I won't lose her like I've lost others.  She does not think of me as some bad secret nor has she discarded me.  What I did was stupid, but it's okay to have feelings!

I am sorry for what I did, but I'm also sorry to myself to talk about myself in such ways...that's not what my blogger will be for.  Some old social media garbage habits will have to be dealt with in time if I am to love myself and heal.

---

6.22.2018

I've deleted my facebook

Well, it's gone...there's so much to say, yet...I can't say it right now.  I know it's not a "big deal" to delete one's fb, but considering how much time & energy I spent on it...it's kinda huge for me.

While I know this won't "fix" certain things about who I am as a person, I do think it was the healthiest thing for me to do and maybe I can concentrate on fixing problems in me much deeper than social media.

Again, so much to say, but I think I'm just gonna sleep tonight and live with the decision and not "cave-in" and go back to it.  I was procrastinating with getting rid of it 'cos I wanted to archive some things; videos, pictures, memories, convos...but then I saw that that would never end and that there was so much bad mixed in with the good.  Then I waited for some fb friends to see my last ditch efforts to reach them with my contact info, but I couldn't wait for them all...the really close friends reached out and most of the others know how to find me.  It also gave the option to keep messenger but delete my profile...that was a lil' tempting, but that was only doing away with half the problem for me as I felt I needed to get rid of messenger, too.

No...I'm aiming for a clean break, but it said I had 2 weeks to change my mind.  My mind is made up, though...I've been looking forward to being "free" from it.

I may write about it more, later...but for now, good night...

---

06.24.2018

A day without social media

Worry leaves me.  I was worried I was gonna miss it too much, that people would forget me, I'd lose everyone and truly be alone, that I'd change my mind and go back...lot's of worries, that don't matter now.  There's a lot of fb things that won't matter anymore; every time someone deleted me, blocked me, cut me out, erased what I said, said mean things...and every dumb thing I said and did, too.  Those things are still there, of course, in memory...but in the end, they don't matter as much and soon there will be no record of it to dwell on.

No grudges held for what was said and done on fb 'cos guess what, I'm not on there anymore, no big deal.  And for the stuff I said and did, I apologize and it's gone so I don't need to hold onto it.  Not saying everything is okay now, just that...there's more important things in real life than in online life.

A few people I know came into work and I told them I'm off of it and their instant reaction was, 'what happened?'...nothing in particular, just felt it necessary for my mental & physical health to get off of it.  Sure I could point out a few friends who just discarded me on fb...a girl I consider my best friend who I hurt by overstepping my boundaries with, overthinking and over-explaining everything...I'm just very overbearing.  I needed to give her and everyone (and myself), a break.

But I don't see myself going back to social media.  I had never really liked it anyways and used to have "movements" (ha ha) against it!  There's a lot of brainwashing, social engineering and hive-mind think tanks that try to shape us into these depressed subservient subjects, but that's a whole other discussion.  Nowhere am I saying people who are still on it are wrong/bad and that they should get off of it "like me" no...I'm just saying that for me, it's not healthy.  It's so hard to understand people's tone or intent in conversations online, I already have a domineering vibe so much of what I say is taken wrong, especially when you can't read into that as much online as you can in real life.  It's even hard to do in real life, so online it can only be worse.

Bad memories from past experiences with social media 'cos I have a different online etiquette than most people do.  I mix fantasy with reality and I treat every close girl like as if they were 'my girl' and loads of other problems.  I took everything too personally online...I improved how I reacted over the years, but not how I handled it, it still hurt me too much.  I don't have much of an offline life, so online life meant more to me than it should.  I really don't do well with others or in a 'social' environment.  I'm more of a one-on-one type person.  When I find that one person willing to talk to me, I usually wear them out, go too far, overstay my welcome.  This is a problem for me as a person in real life, but social media just amplifies that problem.  I can't help but to develop strong feelings and care for those I feel I have deep conversations with...it's so rare, I latch onto it.  That plus loneliness makes me come off very desperate or needy.

Maybe I need time alone to work on all that...I already felt alone before and now I truly am...but that's okay.  I think I'll always have problems...I'm just not good with people, especially when I'm down...and I'm down a lot.

So yeah, I'm not 'normal' enough for fb, so I think getting off of it was a good thing.  I really will miss some people and stuff on there, but we have other ways to keep in touch.  And what I really want IS touch; hugging, talking in person and going out and living life in person...not online.  I've wasted too much of my life online out of fear of my medical conditions.

Soon after I got rid of it, my mind was hopeful in racing to my blog to think of content to add and ways to improve it.  Felt more smiley out in real life and made a bunch of friends in PokeMon GO now that they opened up friends on it.  People came up and WANTED to be my friend once I went to the park after work.  That's a real life community and it's fun and happy!  Right now, I'm happy!

I don't think I'm ready to date date again, but...there's some girls I like...and I don't care about the social media aspect of "chasing" them...I just wanna talk to them and see them and make them smile with me.  Don't have to worry if they got a fb, if they see my crazy online self on there, reject me on social media...naa, none of that...'cos I'm not a part of that anymore.

I don't wanna dwell on leaving fb too much, but I am chronicling a bit of it now.  I'll try not to spend too much time on it and instead give my efforts towards creating more content on my blog...and in real life.

---

6.28.2018

Woke up from another nightmare...

I shouldn't even be writing this, but I need to let go of this anger and pain.

I waited over two years for a girl to finally come see me and be the friends we promised each other we would be.  I could talk about all the good and the bad, but these nightmares and these feelings I hold on to really prevent me from trusting another girl with my heart ever again.  I woke up needing to vent 'cos I am so emotional about it...still.  These nightmares are so horrible.

But she never came.

I heard every excuse every time she would cancel, I expected her to use the "I've got a hangnail" excuse...but no, she found an even worse excuse.

She had an ex who I despised...he got the best of her, she actually was with him and gave him a chance and he abused that gift.  He used her, abused her, got her pregnant, she got an abortion (which tore her up her heart), he forced sex on her, he ruined her asshole, he cheated on her and gave her vd.  Real winner, guy like that can get and keep a girl like her...yet she wouldn't even meet me.

I bring him up 'cos that was her excuse.  They broke up, no chance of getting back together, she was done with him...but years later they started talking again.  The morning of the day we were finally gonna spend time together a bunch of her friends kept contacting her worried that this ex of her's was killed or had died or some shit.  He didn't.  But for whatever reason, these friends looked to her (his ex from over 6yrs ago) to somehow track him down and see if he was alive.  She found him, he was okay, just a case of mistaken identity of someone who was dead who had the same last name as him but was totally unrelated to him, bla bla bla.

She's a caring person and I don't mean to sound like I don't care, but I knew where this was heading.  She spent all morning worried about an abusive ex bf asshole while basically ignoring me and our plans for that day.  Plans 2 years in the making.  Yes, he coulda been dead and that would be sad and I woulda accepted that excuse not to come see me.  But he wasn't dead.  But she worried herself so much over this guy who treated her like garbage that she ended up ditching me again, this time without even calling it off.  So I blocked her on fb and yadda yadda.

Since then I was hit by a car and I also had an episode of my lung deflating..I coulda died.  She didn't care.  She said she loved me, but if she did why didn't she express the same concern over me almost dying that she did for him not dying?  Guess she only cares about guys who rape her?  That's cruel of me to say, but let's go through this checklist...

1) I mentioned this guy, this ex of hers who used her for sex...she's still friends with him, but not me

2) A different guy who got her her new job and was such a great friend that he let her stay at his place for free when she broke up with her current fiance...yeah he badmouthed her fiance (something she said she wouldn't forgive me doing) and she found out later that he KNEW she was drugged the night she was raped and did nothing to protect her...yeah, she says she hates him, but it's only 'cos of work that they're still friends, but not me

3) The guy who actually drugged and raped her, yeah...they're not friends, but he still contacts her and she obliges him so she can "keep tabs on him", but not me

So why does she still have contact with all these great guys, but not me?  What was my crime against her?  I told her I didn't trust her and I blocked her on fb.  She lied to me, said she loved me, said we'd be the kind of friends I wanted to be, but would cancel every time we were to meet for over 2 years.  Last she told me to stay away from her, so I have.  She didn't tell them to stay away, in fact she still talks to them while ignoring me...ignoring all the love and passion we had for each other online.

Stupid me, I still love her...I still want to be friends.  I'm sure everyone would say that she's no good and I deserve better...but I'm only giving this ugly side of her here to explain my pain, anger and nightmares.  There was a beautiful side to us that I still miss.  Been months since we've talked...so tempted to reach out, but she told me to stay away.  So I have.

Her excuse for not seeing me that day was basically over an abusive ex bf she cared more about than me...I would've rather she cancelled 'cos of a hangnail.

Leaving fb was good, I can no longer look back at our conversations, the good and the bad, not tempted to contact her on there...everything still reminds me of her, though.

Why do girls like that choose rapists over me?  Why do I still love them when my heart is nothing but a stepping stone for them?  Feels good to talk about this and try to let this go...if only someday she might miss me and find my blogger and read these words.  I know I did wrong too, I admit that.  But I don't deserve this pain.

---

6.28.2018

Breaking old fb habits

I woke up from a nightmare this morning and already posted some painful feelings.  I really don't want to go back into my whining on fb mode.

She left me, said she wouldn't, but she did just like all the others.

Her loss.

I ended that last post with "I don't deserve this pain." and I don't!

People who ditch me, think they're too good for me, conceitedly say that I "want them" (even when I don't) while saying they don't???

Their loss.

I'm worth more than that, I've been lowering my standards for years trying to find someone, no...I must raise them again 'cos no matter how down I am and hard I am on myself, I know I deserve better.  I don't want someone who doesn't want me back.

When I say it's their loss, I'm not trying to sound better or like I'm too good...just that if they don't want me, that's THEIR problem.  I've tried to make it my problem; why don't they like me, am I not attractive enough, am I too negative, am I not fun enough, do they want me but are too afraid to admit it.

No...I need to separate things in my mind.  Learn the difference between people who are potentially actual friends and girls who are potentially actual dates.  I need to stop blurring the lines between these things and be happy with what life gives me.

Choosing happiness even after nightmares and bad feelings.

I feel like I'm just babbling all this right now, but there's something in me I know I have to change so I can treat myself better and so that others will treat me better.  But I also have to understand that my happiness is not their problem...it's my choice with or without them.

I know these kinds of posts are very sad and emotional...I'm really trying to find myself so I can let go of certain things and move on.  I have already gotten rid of some things in my life in these last few weeks that I think are helping me heal.  Just wish I could stop these nightmares...memories of past mistakes I've made and wrongs others have done to me.

---

7.1.2018

My love life is much like the Wolverine's

I like Wolverine, but I'm not making this connection to him 'cos I'm a huge fan, nor do I think I'm as desirable or cool as he is.  I just see a lot of correlation between our love lives.

He's had a hard life, love/hate relationships, has been the other man, been the brunt of love triangles, had unrequited love, been with some extremely hot women, has had some torrid long-lasting on-again-off-again love affairs, conditions that make it difficult for him to love and an aspect of his life that keeps him from having a "one true love" since he would outlive any woman he was with.  What keeps me from love is also conditions that make it very difficult for me.  So a lot of similarity I'm choosing to see there since I'm trying to be positive about my broken heart and sordid love life by comparing it to his.

We've both had our Jean Grey/Phoenix/Dark Phoenix, Kayla/Silverfox, Yuriko/Lady Deathstrike heartbreaks but we've also been lucky enough to have lost loves that are still around as friends.

While it's a sad thing...maybe it's our fate to be that kind of man.  Made to be a passionate flash in the pan for many different women having to jump out before getting too burned.  I don't think any of his women would ever forget him.  Same for me.  The woman for him would have to tame a wild beast, be able to keep up with his lust, be extremely patient and be able to handle pain.  Same for me.

I'm sad and lonely a lot, but I've had more love than I deserve from many beautiful girls.  Helps me smile through the tears thinking of it that way.

If I can't end up with my "one true love" than maybe it's okay to have many love affairs?

---

7.2.2018

Leaving facebook, 1 week later update...

I still need a lot of work, but I feel I'm getting better.  Don't wanna focus on fb too much with this post, but it's been over a week.  I do miss a tiny bit of it like talking with some people on there and sharing some pics of stuff I'm doing...but ultimately, I don't miss it too much.  I'm still able talk and share with some thru texting and I don't wanna spend so much time online as I shift my eyes to real life.  I certainly don't miss the bad stuff, things I would see on social media designed to make us react and grudges held 'cos people don't like how I react...not a part of my life anymore.

I've thought of somehow posting pics of stuff online separate from my blogger since blogger isn't as "at your fingertips" as fb was.  There's photo sites where I could upload stuff from my work, stuff I eat, stuff from PokeMon GO, etc., but a lot of those have been turned into social media type things too...which means I would run into the same problems again; online interaction, spending too much time on it...the friends, following, blocking, deleting, reacting...no thanks.  Debated on instagram, but I won't...if I really wanna share something I still have this blogger and my YouTube...forces me to be more creative while having my freedom 'cos I don't have to worry about losing "online buddies".

I'm not an online buddy...I'm a real person!  Social media takes away a lot of our humanity and uniqueness as we just scroll through so much fakeness & nonsense...comparing our lives with others, their online personas (which are often not really them) make you think less of yourself.  Not trying to rant here and start a crusade against the zombification of humanity...I actually have good things going on in my life separate from all that.  Away from that, I'm trying to see it and appreciate it more.

My main fear is losing contact with someone special to me.  Sometimes I wonder if we'll talk again or if I'll see her ever again?  Without fb, I miss her so much, but I also see the wrong I did and it was best to leave fb.  We were so close, but I messed up.  I have a feeling she wants to reach out to me but won't know how 'cos of how I am.  She has my number, but she may be afraid to call or text 'cos then she'd worry about me calling back or texting her back too much, at odd times, talking about stuff we're not ready for.

If she's somehow reading this...I want her to know I miss her, but if she needs more time, I understand.  If she were to contact me, texting would probably be best and I would be very light in texting her back.  We could also chat on my discord channel.  More than that, I wanna see her in person again.

I'm much better in person...for the longest time I used to think my online persona was better than the real life me, but it isn't.  Sure, there's good aspects to my online self, but those extend from the real me when I'm happy.  When I'm sad, adding in online (particularly social media) just amps up my negativity.  That inner self filled with doubt, pity and loathing rears it's ugly head 'cos I gave it a voice online to whine.  I still need to have an outlet (which is what this blogger is for) for some things (not everything, all the time), but I need to let out my frustrations constructively, not destructively.

Speaking of real-life; work has been less tense, I'm playing PokeMon GO more, I got a new phone, been thinking of going out and doing more, even if it's just by myself.  I'm an obsessive person...when applied to people it's not so healthy, but 'cos of my nature, I was able to plow thru some major issues with my new phone (learning about unlocking, working settings, fixing GPS, etc.), but 'cos of applying my obsessiveness to it, it now works great!  I have qualities!  I felt pretty awesome about defeating that puzzle and I've done it before...but more than that, I feel awesome that I'm seeing that in myself and appreciating...myself!

I'm so amazing I caught a Shiny Roselia in PokeMon GO soon after.

---

7.4.2018

PokeMon GO fun!

So much news (and mysteries) coming to PokeMon GO it's gonna be a huge summer!  There's plenty of places to get this news so not gonna go into all the details, but I am so thankful that work has let me take off Saturday (for Shiny Articuno) and Sunday (for Squirtle Community Day) which means my next paycheck will be dead (since 4TH of July is a short day and cuts into my hours too) but I really don't care...PokeMon GO makes me happy so it's worth the sacrifice.

So Shiny Articuno July 7TH (the Germany unlock)...maybe Shiny Moltres July 21ST (the Chicago unlock)...then maybe Shiny Zapdos later on (the Japanese unlock) and when all 3 are unlocked a big Summer event is unlocked which I imagine is all 3 Legendary Birds unlocked in raids for a longer period of time.  They still have to rotate Regice, Regirock & Registeel as Legendary Raids as well?  We'll see what they do.

The...the big news for Community Day: Squirtle Squad...

Nintendo/PokeMon Company released this video the other day and then it was confirmed: Squirtle's with sunglasses can be encountered from field research tasks on Community Day.  Pointy shades or round shades?  Shiny Squirtle still happening?  Shiny Squirtle Squad???  Will they keep the shades when we evolve them up?  So many mysteries!

The Kettering Raid Train I'm with went out this 4TH of July morning, but I have to work soon.  It'd be cool if I (and some friends) can join them on Shiny Articuno Saturday to hit as many raids as possible in that short 3hr window.  Will all raids be Articuno, or will other raids be out there...more mysteries?  Regardless, I'm on the hunt since I got work off!

I'm thinking Delco Park for Community Day since I need to hatch an Alola Vulpix (to make Alola Ninetails) and Delco is sometimes better than RiverScape for hatching eggs.  So much to do and plan for, arranging meet-ups & rides.  But so exciting, so much fun!  May actually go out to watch fireworks tonight at Delco too after I gt off work...I should jump to lvl39 soon!

---

7.9.2018

I miss you...

Well, over 2 weeks have passed so fb has deleted all of my profile...all the posts, pics, friends, conversations...gone.  Part of me is a bit sad since I put so much into it, but just as much good I tried to put into it, there also was a lot of bad.  I could ramble on and on about it, but I don't want to...it's gone...it's done.

All the mistakes I made, all the wrongs I did and that were done to me on social media...boy, I needed to get away.  I remember everything, but being off of it and away from it I'm not constantly reminded of all the mistakes and wrong.  I see some people in real life who blocked me on there for whatever reason and while a part of me holds a grudge, I remind myself: "Why?" 'cos I'm not a part of that anymore.

But I miss a particular someone dearly...I wish I could text them, but I dunno if it's too soon to?  I dunno if they'd ever want me to?  Playing PokeMon GO the last couple days I got a text asking: "how'd ya do" referring to the game!  I was so excited, I thought it was her, I thought we could talk again...but it wasn't her.

With their being two of me I am thinking two opposite sides.

One side says she's done with me, we're never gonna be the friends I wanted, I ruined her trust in me, I made a big mistake and I hurt her.  I held onto this idea of writing her a story; not 'cos I wanted her, but to try to cheer her up and give her a dream she confided in me.  The story would be too much, so I took an excerpt from the story and drew a picture from the story of us cooking together.  But the picture came off creepy and sexual (not my intent) and I sent it too her which was crossing a line that...I had no right to.  She's rightfully upset with me, but I take her upset and overreact worried she's gonna cut me off 'cos I didn't know my boundaries with her so I push her away.  It's a long, deep history with us and I went too far and feel awful for it all.

The other side of me says we're connected, we'll always be best of friends, trust can be rebuilt...yes I hurt her, but not on purpose.  We've already been thru so much that this stupid mistake won't ruin us.  A part of her, I know would say: "Just let it go" and I'm trying, but I wish I could explain everything.  Even if all that happened 20 years didn't destroy us, this won't either!  Not that I want to make more mistakes with her, no...just hope it won't take us another 20 years to find each other and be friends again.  I know...we are connected...and we will see each other again someday.  She told me she wasn't going anywhere!  We will be the friends I wanted to be!

I can't chose either of those sides of me, what I need is a balance between this realistic negativity and this delusional positivity in me.  I'm sorry I hurt you and our friendship.  I want to contact you, see you, explain, go back to the way things were...but maybe you need more time, so I'm waiting for you to come back to me.  I don't want you like that, darlin'...a part of us will always want more...but the story and the drawing (nor my friendship) were not attempts at trying to get something that isn't there.  You've told me so many times to get over it, let go, move on...you think I haven't?  You think I'm clinging to this idea of being with you?  I love for life, but no...I know that wouldn't work, you've made that clear and I don't want you like that!

But I do want you...as my friend.

Not to make some childhood fantasies come true, not to be whining all the time, not to be up your butt every day, not to jump back in with overwhelming feelings, not to hold onto to past mistakes.  No...I want to see you when you get back in town, go out, have fun, be friends!

I know I still need work with my emotions, but I do think getting rid of fb was best for our friendship and best for my health.  I am feeling better...please contact me soon.

This sounds like a pathetic plea...and she probably wouldn't like that with me making it all public like this and all...but while I am doing better, I miss her so...

---

7.11.2018

I broke down...

...I texted her.  She eventually texted me back, so I'm calming down.  There's so much I wanna say to her and ask her, but I don't wanna pester her.  I need to just let things go back to normal naturally and tell myself it's gonna be okay.  We've been through worse and she's still here.

I also need to stop talking about her and about fb on here so much...while it is on my mind, I need to move on to actually creating content for my YouTube & Blogger.  So much planning and so many ideas.

I had made a story and drew a picture for my friend, but I was worried that me being foolish with those things were gonna ruin our friendship.  So I haven't been writing or drawing since then.

My art...my words, are powerful and I need to be careful with them.  I've known this for a while, but I didn't want to admit it like this since it makes me sound like I was boasting about what I create.  But it is powerful, it takes a lot out of me and it can be very taxing on others, so I need to be responsible with these powers.

---

07.19.2018

More rejection...

Every girl rejects me in one way or another...I'm just never good enough for any of them, it seems.  It's sad that most girls seem to make up in their mind right away, without even knowing me, that I'm not good enough.  I've said to myself I'd rather a girl be up front to reject me right away since I'm not good at reading them so I know where I stand.  I'd rather they do that than be wishy-washy with mixed signals and unclear or take the mealy-mouthed approach and try to be so nice with their form of rejecting me so as not to hurt my feelings, as if losing them means I'll be suicidal since they're so good and I'm so pathetic.

Go ahead, hurt my feelings, let me know that you think.  I'd rather know you're a stuck-up conceited person before I get emotionally invested.  Does that sound bitter, sure...but I'm being honest 'cos I'd rather be rejected like that than to have a girl act as if she has to be so nice since being rejected by them is a devastating thing that I may just kill myself over her 'cos they're so much better than me and I'm just a poor, clueless loser that needs to be coddled.

I've heard every excuse for their rejection, but what it really comes down to is that most of them really don't have a good reason to reject me.  You're too negative, you're an asshole, you come on too strong, you move too fast, you're desperate...when I've seen guys who actually ARE like that get girls.  I've been made out to be some villainous character preying on weak girls, like I'm Gaston from Beauty & The Beast.

Some girls don't even know why they don't like me...they'll say I'm handsome, sweet, great and a man with a good heart...all of these positive traits, yet still not good enough?  I like compliments, but they're kinda meaningless when they give them to me only to follow it up with that they still don't like me "like that".  And it's really conceited too, since I've gotten this from girls I don't even want "like that"...then the next phase is to compliment me and shove me along my way so I can move on where they give me bad advice to try to help me with the next girl that I'll fail with JUST so that I won't pursue them anymore.

I get upset 'cos it's predictable.  I go out of my way to figure WHY they reject me...there has to be a reason, right?  Most are not willing to answer and they take the next conceited step and tell me to get over it or move on like as if I still want them or something.  If you don't want me (especially for no good reason) then I don't want you...but my broken logical side imbalanced with my emotional side does want to know why I was rejected.  Problem is, most of them don't even know why.  Chemistry, vibes, bla bla bla...bullshit!

Yes I sound bitter and angry and that's unattractive, yadda yadda...I just try to make sense of things I'll never understand.  They don't even understand their own minds and here I am trying to.

Not saying there isn't good reason to reject someone: if you have way different lives, goals, interests, beliefs, etc. then you probably wouldn't be a good fit...or if you've got feelings someone else or just want to be alone...or if you're simply not attracted to them, okay.  What I don't like is when a girl will say in one breath that I'm great or attractive and then in the next breath reject me like as if I'm not.  And I know there's a difference between finding someone attractive vs being attracted to them just like there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, but sometimes it doesn't make sense.  That's how fuzzy feelings go, I guess.  And my feelings don't matter here, what matters is that a girl feels safe and comfy.

This last rejection I was completely positive, did not move too fast or come on too strong.  Over two months ago I complimented her smile 'cos it made me happy...I did not pursue her online, I didn't say or do anything weird, we just smiled, waved and said hello every time we saw each other sometimes with light chit-chat.  My goal was not to get her or even ask her out...I just asked her yesterday if she was seeing anyone.

"I see NO people!  At all!"

This sweet smiling person quickly turned into this angry, vengeful, mean, defensive creature it seemed.  I could tell, she was hurt by someone so bad that she felt she had to lash out at me for seeming interested in her.  Couldn't even respond...

"You have a nice day!"

Was it me...no, I did nothing wrong, normally I'd take it personally but with how forceful she was with what she said...that couldn't be my fault.  I'm not that bad or that ugly, I didn't hurt her, I didn't even know her.  I tried to figure it out, see things from her POV; maybe she was having a bad day, maybe she faked being nice to me the whole time 'cos she was at work and it was her job, maybe I remind her of a bad ex, maybe guys were asking her out all the time and she was tired of it, maybe this, maybe that.

But that's not my fault or my problem.  That's something for her to deal with, so I walked away and I really don't want anything to do with her now 'cos she took my kindness and spit all over it.  I know where I stand, so I thank her for that.  I didn't really know her well enough to be too hurt by it and while I'll always wonder why...really, it doesn't matter.

And in that, maybe life is trying to teach me how to take rejection better.  At other points in my life I would've burst into tears or made a scene...heh, over some girl I don't even know.  I would've written her a letter asking her what I did wrong, I would've tried to get an answer and come off like a crazy stalker or some shit.  An answer that's not even there...sometimes (er, most times) girls just don't like me.  And that's their problem!

I'm still a lil' upset, but I'm taking this rejection better than I have other ones in the past.  I'm trying to coat past rejections with this "it don't matter" perspective!  While I'm glad she was clear that she didn't want me, just wish it wasn't so outta nowhere angry.  She was visibly angry...at me???  I kinda feel sorry for her 'cos I see her hurting with what she said and how she said it.  She wasn't rejecting me personally...she was rejecting her own pain.

Rejection is gonna happen and sometimes, for no good reason that I'll never make sense of.  That's okay, it's nothing new for me.  Happens to me a lot, but oh well...it's really their problem, 'cos they really don't know what they're missin'!

I coulda overreacted, in fact that was my instinct...but I didn't.  Just walked away.  And soon after, I hatched another Alola Vulpix in PokeMon GO which I've been needing for a long while now and I was happy.

Part of me wonders how to proceed...there's another girl I like and if she rejects me too, I dunno...guess I'll give up again?  Pursue fantasy more, seek a healthy way to find relief without a girl, wait for a girl to come to me instead of going after them or just accept I'm gonna be alone?  I've been told that maybe I need a meaningless fling, heh...I can't even get a girl to roleplay with me online or even a date irl!  Who knows...I'm just trying to learn, grow and choose happiness no matter what.

---

8.20.2018

Been a while...

Sorry for the lack of updates, I'm working on (starting, but never finishing) a bunch of different things for this Blogger, my YouTube and my life...but I've been busy.

Part of the lack of any updates or content is that I was so focused on reaching lvl40 in PokeMon GO, I could think of nothing else.  Another part is, I didn't wanna just whine on here about personal BS; I do need an outlet, but I just am trying not to vent on here about everything again.  A more complicated part is that I may be reconsidering some of the content here and I have a lot of thinking to do.

I started writing here again to find an outlet for my personal & sexual struggles.  I have an unbelievable sex drive (you have NO idea), but can't really have sex nor do I have a partner for that even if I could.  I used to be addicted to porn and I don't wanna go there again, so I thought of leaning on writing my erotica and working on "anti-porn" alternatives here.  I beat myself up so much and have so much guilt over it all.  If a girl ever were interested in me enough to read my Blogger, she'd probably run for the hills 'cos of all my problems.

Plus, it's very taxing on me to create that content 'cos it pulls from past love affairs, feelings, memories & experiences that are very personal to me.  Maybe so personal that I should keep it to myself.  I don't wanna kiss'n'tell or scare any potential mate off or come off like I'm boasting.  There's some "tales" I wanna share or get out of me so I can move on.  I wanna grow past it all so that when I do find that love again, no past loves would hold me back.  I wanna help myself and others to get away from porn (which only begets more sadness & loneliness) by making something that offers relief without guilt.

I have a story in me I wrote for someone special that should probably be left to the imagination, but I still wanna let it out...get it out of me.  I tend to do that, hold onto something I should let go of, but I'm trying to find an effective way to outlet that story so I can move on.  A lot of the story could be left to just mystery (especially the more detailed naughtiness), but there was a lot of feelings to express and overall points to be made with the story.  I'll probably only post a basic outline to the whole story to get that point across while focusing on some of high points in my mind and leaving the rest to the imagination.

And I think I would move onto pulling less from past loves, personal experiences & feelings and instead create something that's new & original!  But that's difficult too, since I seem to harness the power of writing for my muses (oh, aren't I such an artist?)...and I have no muses right now.  Maybe I shall write for my future lover, whoever she may be?  I find it a bit sad to have to fantasize about something that's not there or make up a fantasy girl to get the job done, but I don't want to fall back into porn!

Ya know, when I decided to write this post, I thought it'd take a negative or dark turn.  But it's not, I'm happy to brainstorm these things on here.  A lot has been happening in my life, both good and bad, but I'm taking things in stride and trying to do better.  I've been too serious, sad, distant, mopey or even mean to some of my friends...I'm sorry.  I'm gonna turn things around and create this content and more.  I have lot's of ideas and I really think they'll be fun, entertaining, insightful and helpful to myself and maybe others?

---

9.11.2018

At a crossroads about a story I'm writing...

I need to get this story out of me.  It's a part of "letting go" for lack of a better way to say it.  Originally it was meant for a friend, but it's also for me.  At the time I started writing it, we were both going through a lot (and still are) together and in our separate lives.  There were emotions to express and points to be made in this story...plus fantasies to indulge upon, of course.

Part of me thinks it's all harmless fun...but the other part of me worries it might endanger this person's comfort in our friendship?  I know where I stand with her; we'll only ever be just friends (like with every female in my life) so this story isn't meant to go beyond that, tempt us or cause harm.  If anything, it's overall point would be a mutual understanding that it couldn't happen.

At one point she said she was interested in it and she knows how, and what, I write (erotica)...so that's the part of me that thinks it'd be okay to publish it on my blogger.  There are no names and to further remove ourselves from it (to make clear that it's JUST a fantasy and not reality) I've written it in 3RD person...and I typically do not write in 3RD person ever, so it's also an experiment of that.

I've only written it in outline form and it won't move past that.  With it being in outline form it's less descriptive and detailed...and...chunks of it could be glazed over, left to the imagination or even cut out altogether...

So what am I at a crossroads about?

How much do I post of it on here?

I could cut out everything sexual but then it would lose much of it's meaning and romance since that's how I write...I mix the naughty with the nice!  The way I have it outlined now (without ruining the surprises in the story) I give the good stuff more of the spotlight while making some of the nastier stuff as quick bullet-points.  The whole story isn't a sex-romp, either...but the non-sexual parts make references to the sexual parts.  That flirty charm would be lost if that whole part of the story is cut out.  There's lines, personality, characterization, plot, etc. that I feel has to be kept in there to make the story fulfilling and good.

I've been really thinking about this very hard.

I think I can write it in a way that wouldn't go too far...but I'm a gentleman pervert and this is my way of asking for permission for how much of it I should post...

---

9.21.2018

#bigdickproblems

I've been debating whether to write about this or not 'cos not only is it me whining & complaining, it also sounds like I'm boasting or showing off.  But just like sharing my breathing condition (spontaneous pnuemothorax) problems like I did here, I think it may help me to just talk about it.

I'm not bragging, but I have a really big...well, I'm well-endowed.  Not claiming to be the biggest in the world or whatever, but it's huge.  It's not just my dong that's big, my balls are pretty big too...and I, uh...shoot really huge loads.  So I have a breathing condition, I'm well-endowed and I have another condition called hyperspermia in where my average ejaculation is...way more than a couple lil' squirts!

Just like my breathing condition, I didn't want anyone to know.  I didn't want that to be my reputation or why girls liked me.  Just like with a well-endowed girl, people make assumptions about a well-endowed man.  They objectify us...it's not always a good thing to have bigger body parts.  In fact, it's kind of a curse.

Here I am making it out to be bad when most everyone would think it'd be awesome to have a big dick.  I guess it depends on self-image; some busty girls love their bodies and their shape, others want them smaller and feel unattractive with them.  It also depends on other factors, too...sometimes a girl with big boobs would either openly embrace them or want to hide them depending on their mood, the situation or the people around them.  Same with me and my endowment.

People are walking contradictions, too.  In one breath they'll talk about hating something, then in the next breath they'll seemingly love it.  Myself included...sometimes I hate this big stupid thing between my legs and sometimes I love having it.  I hate that sometimes that's all I am to a girl, but I also love that it makes them happy.  I will also say that I sympathize with a busty girl 'cos I know what it's like to be well-endowed, yet I'm also attracted to those same busty girls...do I find a commonality with them, do I actually care & understand or do I just like big tits?

"Every guy likes big tits!" but I don't wanna be seen as every other guy...I'm me...I'm not like them and I don't wanna be!

I am waiting for marriage to have sex...real sex...vaginal sex.  But over the years I've had other forms of sex.  Waiting on vaginal for marriage.  I would destroy a girl if I gave her anal.  Orally, I've never met a girl who could satisfy me.  So...then there's boobs.  I feel a bustier girl can "handle" me if you know what I mean...and some girls find that bad so I feel I'm not sexually compatible with most girls.  So again, I say I sympathize with well-endowed girls, yet here I am objectifying them in the next breath.

It is assumed that most guys would want to be hung and like to walk around like a pimp thinking they can have any woman they wanted.  In my case, being a virgin waiting for marriage, it's kind of a living hell.  Not only do I have the physical & sexual problems that come with being well-endowed, I also have these mental, emotional and even spiritual problems with it due to moral barriers I put on myself not to go too far.  So no, I don't walk around like I'm God's gift to women, in fact...I know I'm just a perverted monster and I mostly fail or subconsciously self-sabotage my dating life.

When I get to the point when I'm intimate with a girl (which is few and far between) I run across the next set of problems.  Most girls I've been with in that way, turn into size queens...they blab to their girlfriends about how big I am, they want more than I'm willing to give 'cos they want to be the first to "have" it, they spend more time kissing it than they do kissing me.  Girls who find out look at me and treat me different.  Girls I've been with have taken pictures of me while I was sleeping, I've woken up to girls having conversations with my dick like they're talking to a puppy or somethin' or worse...some girls have tried to push me into them while I was asleep.  I've had to fight girls off of me with tears in my eyes while they giggle and squeal like it's a fun time.  Sometimes that feels good 'cos it feeds my ego, but that can only go so far...I mostly feel sad or mad about it all.

I wonder if girls don't love me...they love it?

In the distant past when I first started going online, I came to that realization and became darker and darker.  Throughout school, every girl rejected me.  Every.  One.  So I gave up on that and went online.  Same thing, girls online rejected me too and were more openly mean about it since they're safely online and/or anonymous.  So I conducted some tests.  I had seen enough porn by that point to know I was bigger than them...so I took dick pics and face pics.  My main account on AOL I'd message a girl with my face pic and I was rejected, ignored, insulted or blocked.  Same girl, I'd send her my dick pics from a different account and suddenly she was interested.

Darkness grew; I had more porn, online girlfriends, cybersex, phonesex and it got to the point where I had a webcam where people watched me masturbate and do cum tributes on pictures of girls.  I was and am a sick pervert, but people out there are even sicker 'cos I got some real fucked up requests on webcam.  Girls who wanted me to suck my own dick or cum all over myself or other such gay stuff I'm not into.  Then, couples came to me online and they wanted me to be in this "cuckold" thing where they'd fuck on their webcam while she watched me jack-off on mine so that she could belittle the other guy ('cos my dick was bigger?) and other sick twisted shit...so I quit my webcam.  Funny thing is, you can still find some of my content online from those days stolen and being used for dick growth pills or other guys pretending to be me.

I wasted years of my life in those dark days...most of my pathetic confidence is between my legs.  I will always struggle with this 'cos porn and being an online whore-monger have destroyed my mind.  On bad days I feel like this is all I have 'cos otherwise I'm an ugly, poor loser with nothing else to offer.  I've gotten better...but love, sex, relationships, lust, etc. will always be a problem for me.

On top of that it takes me a long time to get fully hard and even longer for me to cum due to my mental & breathing conditions.  Most times I don't even cum, my in-person "sex-life" has been pretty awful.  Girls I've physically been with have struggled with pleasing me.  They get frustrated 'cos I can make them cum, but they can't make me cum.  I've made them cry 'cos they feel inadequate and if I do cum it's 'cos I have to finish myself off.  They get tired or worn out or they say fucked up things like:

-"if you just put it in my pussy I know I can make you happy"

-"are you gay?"

-"can't get it up?"

-"aren't I pretty enough for you?"

-"don't you love me?"

And I'm pretty fucked up, too.  It takes a lot to make me cum and sometimes I'm too demanding or rough.  Most girls I've been with have never properly cum before, or squirted or passed out from it...they've never been tittyfucked or choked on one or had a facial...but I've done that to all of them and reduced them all to whores for me and they accept it 'cos I have a huge dick they'd do anything to have.

Eventually these girls leave, they want it in their pussy and I can't do that....not until I meet the right girl and marry her first.  The right girl who loves me and not just it.

Another set of problems is some girls have hated or gotten freaked out by how much I cum.  I didn't give them enough warning and have made some of them cry in humiliation or even vomit in disgust.  Some girls love a dick shower, most girls I've been with don't!

I feel like a monster 'cos of all these intimacy and relationship issues.  Guilty, shameful, sick, sad, lonely & angry...but there's also physical problems to this thing, too.

Most everyone accepts a well-endowed girl...though, I admit, sometimes pretty girls get treated very badly simply 'cos they look pretty or have big boobs.  However, most everyone frowns upon seeing my bulge in a public setting.  I try to hide it; I wear slacks 'cos I can't wear jeans anymore, I have a lot of things in my pockets to help conceal it, I keep it down one pant leg when flaccid, but 'cos of all the friction from all the walking I do it's usually always semi-hard which means I keep it off to the side with my belt tight around it or, if harder, I have to hide it under my baggy shirt pointing straight up my abdomen.

People still notice sometimes and it's very awkward for me and them when they catch a glimpse.  Mothers pull their children away 'cos they think I'm some sick-o with a boner.  I go to hug a girl and sometimes my boner is jabbing her in the tits so I have to settle on a half-hearted side-hug.  I love kids, I love hugging, I love swimming...but I have to steer clear from many things 'cos of this stupid thing.  People look at me like I can't control my hormones...like I'm some degenerate rapist.

I admit, I have sexual problems, but I don't go around pushing myself on anyone!  Having a big dong doesn't make me some sexual predator, but I feel their eyes on me and I mostly avoid people and stare at the ground on bad days.

I'm constantly chaffing & swelling down there since I walk everywhere...it HURTS!  I haven't had relief or release in a long time and masturbating never really brought me satisfaction so I'm pretty pent up and miserable.  Makes me more negative and pessimistic...sadder, lonelier & angrier.  Girls sense that negative vibe and ignore me, avoid me, make excuses not to see me or just plain run from me!

With my conditions I should be relieving myself more often...but relief never comes.  Those with hyperspermia should release multiple times a day since they have a stronger sex-drive than most...but I can't!  I've tried that in the past and found I wasted too much time, effort and sanity to feed my insatiable appetite for more...nothing truly satisfied.  It's made me a nervous wreck, anti-social, late to work or events, depressed and unable to get things done, lose concentration...everything is a sexual innuendo to me or plays out as a sex-scene in my mind and I have to bite my tongue or distract myself all the time.

Sometimes I punished myself, tried to meditate to control it, prayed to the Almighty or just cry myself to sleep hoping my erections will go down.  I've had sick fantasies which sometimes make me a creative & romantic lover...but also make me demanding & domineering spirit.

I don't want drugs or "therapy"...I just want to accept myself and be accepted and have as normal of a love & sex life as I can given these conditions.

---

9.21.2018

Getting my smile back!

I'm not a very confident person, most days I find myself to be ugly...but this isn't just about my self-image and confidence...this is about how I messed up my teeth over the years.

You're overall health goes back to your diet & digestion...and the first part of your digestion is your teeth.  Bad teeth, leads to bad health.

As a kid I had beautiful teeth...I was a lil' chubby back then so I started chewing on ice to "eat" without gaining weight.  Don't do that, chew gum to keep your mouth busy, but don't tear off your enamel eating ice cubes like I did.

Then one summer with the Boy Scouts a kid stepped on my head while we were swimming and I bit the bottom of the swimming pool cracking a lot of my upper-right teeth.  My front right tooth was broken in half and my nerve ending was hanging out and my throat was bleeding due to swallowing the sharp top half of that tooth.

Pretty horrific and painful.

The next day my mom's welfare insurance finally capped that one tooth and told us the other teeth that were cracked would be "fine"...they weren't!  Over the years they got worse.  When I was 18 I was no longer covered and I wasn't taking care of myself and drank too much soda and lived off of high-octane junk food.  I just grunted through the tooth pain.  I was even homeless for a short period of time and didn't brush or floss...don't do that either.

By the time I was able to afford insurance YEARS later through work at Blockbuster, I wasn't able to afford all the work I needed.  My dentists at the time (Monarch, then changed their name to "Bright Now") were all about gettin' paid and assuming I was just some snaggle-tooth loser and didn't care about my story.  They took out my wisdom teeth, but the guy extracting them scolded me the entire time saying I shoulda gotten it done when I was 18...I was in my '30's at the time....don't wait that long to get your wisdom teeth out, especially if they were impacted sideways like mine were!

Since they grew in sideways and I took too long to get them out, they uprooted my bottom molars exposing their roots and they went real bad in a short time.  Maybe I could spent lots of money I didn't have to save them but Blockbuster was closing and I lost my coverage again.  I moved, I got a new job and things were improving so I made it a priority to get my teeth fixed 'cos many of them were breaking and I didn't wanna be a toothless bastard!  Problem was; Obamacare, which took any money I could to get good dental insurance/work done and squandered it at CareSource where it did nothing for me but make me broke all the time.

They kept raising the bills while lowering the benefits so I got out of it and spent my money on a :DentalPlan.com plan which wasn't insurance, but did help lower costs.  My teeth had finally had it eating lunch one day and one hung there loosely needing to be pulled with constant bleeding and pain.  No dentist in the area would take me for an emergency extraction and I wasn't going to go downtown to a butcher clinic to get it done, either.

FINALLY, one dentist was kind enough to tell me they took in emergency work and I was in the next day (all other practices offered to maybe get me in the NEXT MONTH).  I told them my story, they listened, they cared, we laid out a plan on what to do in the next days, months & years to get my smile back.

I'm crying right now writing this...I thought I was gonna lose all my teeth at this point 'cos I waited too long to finally get things done!  If I woulda known there was a GOOD Dentist in my area sooner, I woulda went sooner.  Don't wait so long like I did, you risk more pain, infection and tooth loss!  The pain was UNBELIEVABLE at times.

The only times I got sick in the last ten years was when my throat dried out raw 'cos my teeth/gums would bleed while I slept and I swallowed my own infected blood.  Since I have had the bad teeth removed in the last year, the pain went away, me getting raw & infected went away and I'm healing so well.  I was afraid of losing teeth, being uglier, unable to eat certain foods.  I have no bottom molars now, I'm fine, I can be less careful eating now without them than I was with hem avoiding pain and flossing junk out of my broken teeth for an hour after every meal.

If you have broken teeth, pain, you're poor, you're afraid of losing your smile or losing the ability to eat certain foods...DON'T!  Find a good dentist and get those problem teeth out!  You'd be surprised what you can still eat with missing teeth.

I just got fillings this week that fixed and covered up two of my front teeth and they look like my natural teeth!  Yeah, it cost a bit...but not a crazy amount.  For the first time in 2 decades I will be getting a proper cleaning of my teeth next week.  After that I will be in the process of getting partial dentures which will cost me more...but just a year ago I thought I was gonna lose all my teeth and here I am missing 8 teeth and all the others are healthy and look good.

My new dentist is at Van Buren Dental which is like right in my back yard!

Van Buren Dental

I will get my beautiful smile back someday and I will feel better about myself!

Thank you Dr Sheplar!

= D

---

11.5.2018

I sleep on a couch, reprieve...

Months back I wrote about how I now sleep on a couch...giving up sleeping with a girl ever again 'cos there was no room on a couch with me...

I saw it as a representation of me 'giving up' on sleeping with or being with a girl ever again...physically...and emotionally.

I was very down, sad & lonely...and while I still am, it's gotten better and I don't feel that dramatically about that circumstance anymore.

Physically, I could take the large backing pillows off my couch making it almost a day bed.  I've had girls sleep with me on the floor or a cot, even...so sleeping together on my couch is still a possibility.  It'd be a close, tight fit...but doesn't that make it better?

Emotionally, I feel better about myself for many reasons.  I'm not over all my pains, but are we truly ever over such things?  For a person like me, who loves for life, it's hard to let go of some things; good & bad.

Can't fully let go of the love or pain, but I am letting go of the anger & confusion that comes with it.  The many forms of rejection, the not being able to change it, the inability to understand why they don't want me, left me, stomped me...that's their choice & problem and I'm trying not to let that be in my way.

I now see that I can physically (in the literal sense) and emotionally hold a girl through the night again...

I fantasize about all kinds of debauchery & sinful things all the time 'cos I am a sexual person by nature...

...but deep down...in the end...

...most of my fantasies are about holding my girl through the night.  Sure, a lovers hold and embrace can be romantic and sensual...but this also applies to hugs, cuddles & holdings of different varieties.  When she's in my arms, whether she's a lover or just a friend...she's my girl in that moment.  Safe, close, warm, protected.  My name, Garrison, means guardian.

I'm not making myself out to be some hero or whatever, but here are some examples of when I've held some of my girls...

One lover was just as passionate & dramatic as I was and our relationship was a constant break-up to make-up lustful affair.  We'd get in such fights where we wouldn't even speak to each other for long periods of time.  Even in times when we were long broken up...she'd still have to crawl into bed with me to get sleep 'cos she felt safe in my arms.  After all these years, if she needed that again, even though she hurt me bad...I'd still be the arms around her.  I mean it when I say I love a girl...forever...

I know many girls, if not all...who had been sexually hurt and they'd have spells where their nightmares wouldn't let them sleep.  They'd come to me, to be held through the night so that if they woke from those nightmares, they wouldn't be alone.  They'd have me, 'cos I too was sexually abused so I would understand and help them as best I could.

I find it so sad that pretty much every girl I've been with...has been hurt in that way, one way or another.  It's sad, but I find myself being at my strongest when they need me to be there to hold them.  I was hurt in that way, too...and I've made it a goal in my life to help others live through that kind of pain.

Sometimes a girl just needs to talk or cry it all out...I'm here for that, too.  And I pick up pieces when they drink too much, do something bad or lose themselves in other ways.  We all need to be held; we're sad, lonely, hurt, tired, scared, stressed, anxious, worried...hugging & holding someone you love can be the most therapeutic thing you can do.

Some friends & lovers have had problems with sexual cravings that they didn't wanna act on with the wrong guy who'd take advantage of them...so I was the safety net they could fall into 'cos they knew I wouldn't let them go too far and make regretful mistakes.

One girl would tell me to leave my door unlocked on nights she might need to be held and she would sneak in and crawl between my sleeping arms & legs.

I have had many chances to take advantage, but I never do and never will..

It has taken a lot of strength, but I mean it when I say I'm waiting for my wife before I go all the way.  Every tempting female I've wrestled to bed wakes up the next morning with me whispering in their ear:

"A man can love you without having to make love to you."

Maybe this is why I'm perpetually alone without a "one true love"...'cos I'm meant to be the lover, friend, brother or father to a girl out there who needs me to fill one of those roles...and just hold her?

Right now, I personally know many girls who need to be held in one capacity or another.

Maybe I'm sounding...like I have all these girls out there, yadda yadda...no, that's not what I mean.  Most of the 'holding' I'm referring to is in spirit, through girls online and that doesn't happen too often anymore, anyways (even though I need to be held, too).  So this isn't me boasting about all these girls I hold every night.

I feel good to talk about this...closeness with a girl is a wanted feeling, sure...but this isn't just about that.  I know I have helped my girls and that makes me feel like a better man.

---

11.13.2018

I want friendship & love, not "mental health"

This is another example of how evolutionary thinking has destroyed the way we think.  We're nothing but chemicals, so if our chemistry is off...let's just change it.  I don't believe in this.  If you do, cool...I'm not trying to change your mind about it, but I find that everyone who thinks this way is out to preach to me that this is the way to fix our problems.

I am more than just chemicals, I am more than the sum of my parts.  I am thoughts, experiences, memories & emotions.  We are allowed to have feelings.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, people small talk me and ask: "How are you today?" I don't lie; I tell them how I'm feeling, even if it's abysmal.  This overwhelms some people and they don't know how to deal with it...but they asked for it!

I see so many people fake their way through everything, pretending to be happy when they're not.  If you're sad or mad, say so...let it out, be yourself.  Don't hide it, don't lie, don't fake it.  I'm very passionate, when I like something or someone it's apparent...likewise, if I don't like something or someone it's not hidden.  Sometimes this is seen as good or bad, but it's how I am.

I can see how being this way can be a bit much for others to handle...sorry, that's who I am.  I admit, sometimes my emotions get the better of me...but never to the point where I'd deliberately hurt someone.  So no, I don't believe I need help with my "mental health" so please keep that advice (that I never asked for) to yourself.  We are allowed to have feelings.

People see me as this sad, depressed, broken thing that needs to be fixed.  No, they just caught me at a bad moment and I'm not gonna lie about how I feel.  Yes, I have bad moments that I could handle better, but suggesting something I don't believe in (psychology) is like telling a believer to try atheism.

I know you think you're helping, but when I'm sad 'cos I'm lonely and asking for friendship or love...you come back with: "go to a psychiatrist, they can help"...with loneliness?  When I hear that quick, thoughtless, easy "advice" what I'm really hearing is:

-you're crazy

-you're sick

-you need help

-you're supposed to be lonely, look at ya

-I don't have time for you

-not my problem

-go away

I'm sure that's not what you mean, but that's what I hear.  On top of that, what you're suggesting is that I devote a whole lot of money, time and effort (that I don't have) to find a "good" psychiatrist (yeah, that'll reduce stress).  What, the one that's gonna "fix" me or tell me what I wanna hear?  It wouldn't be effective, 'cos I don't believe in it...it's all psycho-babble to me.  If it helps you, good, go for it...I'm not trying to change your mind if you think it helps you.  But it doesn't work for me, I've tried that and found that there's really nothing wrong with me.  I'm a happy person deep down, I just get lonely and I want a mate.

And no, not some gf to fix my problems or deal with my loneliness.  Some people think I'm even suicidal, I'm not.  In fact, I value myself enough to know I DESERVE love from a wonderful girl.  I feel I have a lot of love to give her.  I am allowed to want & have a gf.  I am allowed to have feelings.

What we need is friends who listen without judgement, labels and a high school psych 101 diagnosis...not some head doctor "qualified" by...who again?  Everyone is so quick to label & diagnose things in an effort to sound smart or give reasoning to things that don't make sense.  People love to give things names so that they can easily categorize it, deal with it and dismiss it...especially if they don't like/agree with it.  How can people just so easily do this to others...all the time?  I am a person, a human being, a soul, an individual...not some thing to be branded and herded in with cattle!

"How can you not believe in psychology...it's a proven science!"

You already think I'm crazy 'cos I don't believe in psychology, so lemme tell you why I don't.  There is validity to many of it's ideals, I can't argue against that...what I don't like is how it's applied and how it'll be further applied in the future as a social conditioning tool.  Psychology can (and does) change over time and there's different theoretic branches of it that even contradict each other, but the theories (not facts) that end up winning out are the popular ones that more people believe in as society changes.

Break out your tin-foil hats 'cos I'm going full conspiracy theory here.  It will be further used to condition us the way the powers that be want us to be (cattle) and silence those of us they can't otherwise handle.  Zombies without emotions.  We are allowed to have feelings.

Yes, there are some people whose emotions go too far where they harm themselves or others...and they need mental health help.  But before it goes that far, maybe what they really need is real friends to help them...or at least, listen to them.

I'm trying to love myself and others and be a better person to myself and others.  I just am sad and angry that friendship and love come more easily to others.  If I divulge that to you, I'm not asking for quick mealy-mouthed advice...I'm asking you to be my friend.  Don't turn around and tell me to do something something I don't believe in...I wouldn't do that to you.  Just be my friend, listen, talk...and I'd do the same for you.

-----------------

I dislike terms (excuses) like anxiety, depression, worry, trauma, triggering, stress, etc. 'cos those are just technical names for things we all have to deal with.  That's a symptom, not the problem.  Giving things fancy names, gives them power over you.  I prefer to say what's really bothering me rather than saying dumb shit like: "oh, my blood sugar is low" when in actuality, I'm just hungry.  I am sad sometimes 'cos I'm lonely...no big deal.  We all have to deal with emotions, that's life.  We are allowed to have feelings.  People scoff at me when I say giving things names gives them power...but it's true!

Sure, it's good to know what's causing your symptoms, but people go crazy with wanting to name things.  When I sneeze they're quick to say: allergies? hay fever? got that bug goin' around? you sick? try this medicine? 'cos they have to quickly name/label/diagnose it!  Why, even?  No, I don't really get sick, I just sneeze a lot 'cos I work in a place that has a lot of dust...that is all, calm down.

As a side note, nowhere am I saying psychiatrists and medications don't help people nor am I telling you that you are wrong/bad for going that route.  I just have a different path for dealing with my mental health.  I'm also not saying that psychology only ever equates to drug therapy as there are some good psych theories (EBT Brain States Checking, backed by neurology charting) that help you help yourself without a doctor or meds.  There have always been two branches of health (physical, mental or otherwise) and I avoid chemical therapy in favor of natural therapy.

There's already enough chemicals in our air, water & food.

---

11.23.2018

What to do?

I have so much in me to express.  So much to do, so many unfinished projects, so many things to clean, fix & organize.  I clamor for getting a "day off" to work on these things and also to be able to enjoy free time...but then I get a day off and I find myself squandering that precious time to do these things, yet...I don't.  I spend more time thinking & planning what to do and how to do it, that I barely start doing anything and finish nothing.

I want to create, I love this Blogger for that...but it doesn't seem good enough for me.  I nitpick everything 'cos I know I can do better...I record videos and write posts that never get finished or published.  Part of me thinks I'm wasting my time and no one is listening anyways so why do I do this?  I've contemplated deleting my online presence altogether, which includes this Blogger & my YouTube just as I had removed myself from facebook & social media.

I won't delete it 'cos I'm too nostalgic & sentimental about it.  Maybe it's even vanity to want/keep an online persona going?  I get in these spells where I plan and plan and just do it anyways even though I feel it's not good enough, at least I tried...makes me feel more productive, at least.  But most of the time I plan & worry so much that nothing gets made...

So much time & energy wasted when I could be playing one of my many un-played games or watching a movie or going out...but then I do those things and feel guilty 'cos I'm neglecting a project or idea I have.

Blogging isn't as simple or quick as social media...I get excited about sharing something and have no real way to share it to my liking 'cos writing a post takes time/effort...as well as planning/formatting...bla.  Thought about twitter or instagram again, but why?  If I can't express what I want on here or YouTube, adding more networks only adds more stress and I don't wanna fall back into the social aspects of all that again.

So then I go on long periods where I don't post anything...then...feel guilty about that, too...

I always have so much in my mind and it's a mixed-bag of things that don't even go together.  I wanna talk about God, then breasts, then Nintendo, then erotica, then music, then life and so on.  Some of these things are so serious, then others are so silly that they just don't go together.  Do I make another separate Blogger for a ministry...then another for the more sinister stuff and another for PokeMon GO and yet another for music and such?  No...it doesn't seem to all go together...but they're all a part of me!  Plus that would take too much effort and more time wasted planning/formatting/doing to make separate blogs, bla!

Not many people pay attention to me or these outlets here without me linking them constantly once I actually even post...so I wonder, should I quit?  Reduce that stress?  No...then I'd be stressed over quitting.  And no, I don't wanna "take a break" from it, either...just wish I was better at all this so that I could just put more content out beyond this kind of whiny diary stuff.

I have so many stories in me...so much in me to tell...so much I've learned that I wanna teach others.  I feel I have the capacity to entertain or even help others so I can't quit.  Just wish I spent less time planning and more time doing.

Sometimes as I write or make a video or draw something...half way through I usually say "this isn't good enough" and it's not that I quit...I just start over...only I never really started anything.  I'm too picky and then I've wasted what little time I had!

Even if no one were listening, I'd still want to do this, even if just for myself.  I have to do more to ignore that negative voice in me that's always highly critical of my own stuff and just do it anyways.  So what; my production value isn't too my liking, I'm too long-winded, I go on boring tangents...but I have to do it that way otherwise it won't get done!  Plus it's how I am in person when I talk, I ramble sometimes.

When it comes to YouTube videos, I wanna make them shorter and more focused, while leaving the long-winded stuff for writing in this Blogger.  I also wanna output more, maybe even daily going from serious to silly from day to day.  As I'm writing this post I'm thinking of giving myself more structure when it comes to content and I need to add more to my Blogger sub-pages.

Less over-thinking, more doing!

---

11.26.2018

What I'm doing...

I've accounted the set-backs in my last post to the Thanksgiving holiday.  After losing my mother & grandmother in this last year I wasn't in a holiday mood (but I'm not a holiday person, anyways) so I was down on myself for not getting much done and spent that time alone, lonely, moping, feeling sorry for myself.  Maybe I even alienated myself by not really reaching out to anyone.  Didn't wanna burden them with my loneliness.

But I did get some stuff done; made some progress in some games, made & uploaded some videos to my YouTube, came to the decision that I should just go ahead and do things rather than plan forever and do nothing.  Lifted my spirits a bit and I'm not gonna quit...just need to do more content and improve it along the way.

Some things I'm planning are:

-more BWTB PokeMon GO stuff

-work on my Blogger profile & post tags pages

-making a "DrGAKMAN Friends" page on my Blogger to promote their stuff

-makin' a YouTube video about my phone situation & how I fixed it

-try to explain more of my Anti-Porn Alternative ideas and also writing another erotica story

-thinking about doing reviews on some things (I dunno, maybe not?)

-then there's making/organizing my playlists on my YouTube Channel to beef it up

-I wanna delve more into a recent post here I made about me being anti-psychiatry since I have a lot more to say about that

There's loads of other stuff too, but that's currently what's on my list...at least, for online content.  I got a lot of other stuff to do in life, too!

---

11.26.2018

Shocked...

...but not really.  I saw so many signs that you weren't happy without making this choice...just wish you broke it to me better, 'cos I'm still very shook up.

You're the strong type, not one that resorts to crying, hating yourself, losing sleep or taking meds to function.  But you fell to those things over this choice.

If this choice makes you happy, no need to cry anymore...

If this choice is what you want, don't hate yourself for wanting it...

If this choice is truly right for you, no use losing sleep over it..

If this choice is how you see to function, you don't need meds either...

What you need, what we all need, is friends who'll always be there to support you...even if they disagree with your choice, they still love you no matter what.

I love you, Honey...and I meant it when I said I love for life!  I also meant we'll always be friends and I'll support you no matter what!

Even though I am shocked and have so many questions (some in confusion, some in disappointment, some in happiness for you) you don't owe me any explanations.  I still feel that you're my best friend though, so I wish you could tell me everything.  I've lost too many friends by letting my emotions get the better of me, but I'm not gonna lose you!  I'm hurt & confused...but I wanna understand so I can be here for you...you need me, too!

I don't wanna lose my best friend 'cos I said things in anger...so I'm putting those feelings aside so I can listen without judgement and we can talk without fear of losing our friendship.

I want you to know I will always love you, pray for your happiness, support you and be here for you.

---

11.28.2018

More whining...

Why I've contemplated deleting this Blogger is 'cos I find myself whining/venting on here more than actually creating content, thus treating it like I did with social media.  I'd rather vent to friends, but they're all tired of my whining and I guess I don't blame them.

Then there's the moral dilemma (that probably only exists in my mind) over the stories I write.  Those were private fantasies between me and the girls I love at the time, putting them on display just...it's so hard to explain.  I mean, I like it, other people have told me they enjoy it...it's not that it's bad, but it's very taxing on me to write and then put out there.

Mix that in with these girls being real people in my life...what does that mean for any potential future girlfriend?  Isn't that like cheating on what I say I want most?  It's no big deal if I reserve myself to the idea that there is no "one true love" for me in the end...but there's still hope that, what if there is?  It'd be nice if she enjoyed these stories, too...but what if she's jealous?  What if I put on display our love in story form on here...does that diminish it's value between us?  It'd be nice if my future mate would enjoy that...but what if she doesn't?  Couldn't all that scare any potential gf away from me...but is there even a potential gf for me given who and how I am?

Then girls I'm close friends with, once they find out about what I write here, are they gonna worry that one of the stories is about them?  I would never purposely do that but it's a sensitive thing for most people.  If any of it were real am I putting it on display to brag or boast about how I got them?  Are they and others going to try to guess which girl in real life I'm writing about?  While it's mostly fantasy of things that haven't or would never happen between us, aren't some gonna wonder what parts did or didn't happen?

I could make up stuff like making characters in play form, but I feel it loses something, 'cos it's less real.  I have made up characters in my mind, sure...but they're not real so I can't love them and they don't have a soul so I have to pull their feelings & personality from real girls in my life.  Nothing against fanfic, but I don't wanna get stuck doing that, either.

If you've ever seen Cool World you can kinda get what I'm envisioning with fantasy vs reality...or maybe a better explanation is this ME!ME!ME! video...

I've thought of writing poetically 'profiles' for girls I love and just leaving them like that as opposed to writing out personal experiences with or fantasies about them.  Instead of using their real names I would just call them by their taste/scent in my mind.  Their dreams, emotions & personalities would spiritually be in my made-up characters or they could be transformed into fantasized versions of themselves in character form?  Make them less real and more fantasy...both of these have good & bad aspects to them.

It helps to vent and get things out of me...I haven't decided to delete my Blogger yet.  I started this YEARS ago when I was with an ex...she...is long gone now, but she interacted with it, her words are still here in some old posts.  Maybe I still hold onto this to keep that alive?  Silly, stupid...sad, wrong?...but I'm sentimental like that.

Then I've recently had a piece of news from one of my best friends that shakes up everything I think about love...it shocked me so much that I couldn't breath or sleep and it makes me think all kinds of things, good & bad.  That plus everything else makes me feel like giving up on "love" and my stories and this Blogger.  So I dunno what to do now...shouldn't base my future what others are doing, but maybe I was a bad influence and this is causing more harm than good?

---

12.9.2018

Refocusing...

Recent events in my pursuit of love have been steering me back to my true love.  God.  A lot of heartache, crying and pain over girls have made me so weak in mind, body & spirit...but there's strength in my Lord & Savior.

Out of all the painful blows my heart has taken recently, perhaps the most painful is one of my best friends admitted that they didn't know if they believed in God or ever did.  I've been through a lot with this person and I give God credit for us meeting, becoming friends and us re-meeting years later and becoming best friends when the things we've been through would've destroyed most friendships.  I used to pray so hard for this person to be right with God, to find the truths that I found in my walk with Christ and to be happy.

I had this feeling that I had to let this person go for a time and that they'd find their way to Him and that I'd meet them again someday as God intended.  I'm not one for basing faith or beliefs off mere "feelings" nor do I think the God of the Universe directly spoke to me about this...but I still believe it's true.  Unbeknownst to this person, they helped shape my path which strengthened my faith and I want to do the same for them.

I have put talking about my beliefs and my ministry on the back-burner for a while.  Afraid I would scare people even further away from me and then, instead, focusing selfishly on myself...wanting love, affection & companionship to the point I couldn't focus on anything else.  Beyond those base desires that we all want...what's really more important is what we believe in...that is where true happiness comes from.

I'm not going back to this 'cos of anger that I can't get a date nor am I doing it for some ulterior reason...I need to do this 'cos it's the right thing to do!  I've been too distracted by the things in this life to focus on what I really want to achieve!  This has always been my goal to add my MYSTERY ministries to my Blogger.  To see souls saved & saints edified by the truth.

Nothing has really changed, except for my personal focus.  I was making finding a mate my #1 priority, when my first priority should always be what I believe in: Salvation through Christ.  This is something I need to share and while it's scary ('cos I know people run from this topic), it's my true passion and makes up who I am.  I see this making me happy already and it's multifaceted 'cos I think it helps deal with issues of love, relationships, mental stability and life in general.

It's been a while since I've talked about this openly so I'm not too sure where to begin, but this is a first step.  My next post will be a simple breakdown of some of my beliefs 'cos I know many think all kinds of (crazy) things about this topic and I want to be clear about the big things first.

---

2.18.2019

I Hate To Vent Again...

(unfinished/unpublished)

I have no one to talk to about this...it's so frustrating and disheartening.

I have several girls who would NEVER be with me, but who tell me I'm a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have me.  Total contradiction.  I'm either good enough or not!

They'll tell me I'm attractive, yet they're not attracted to me.  Total contradiction.  I'm either ugly or I'm not.

I understand there's a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them: I can acknowledge that many people are beautiful by worldly standards but that they're not my thing.  But how come so often I find that a girl likes me, thinks I'm good looking, thinks I'm a good guy YET in the same breath reject me.  Like I'm ugly or not good enough.  Then they wonder why I think so lowly of myself...how else am I supposed to feel when I'll never be good enough?  Girls who've even fantasized about me, but then turn around and say that the don't like me "like that".

Is that what I am; a fling, a piece of ass, a fantasy not even real, fun to think about but never act upon?  This is gonna sound very crass, but I'm being honest...there's lot's of girls I've thought about nutting on, but who I'd never be with.  Is that all I am?  Is that what I deserve 'cos of all the wrong I've done?  Should I accept and embrace that that's all I ever will be?

"There's more to attraction than looks!" yes...agreed...so what you're telling me is, my personality is shit?  Okay, I have a rotten attitude sometimes, but my personality is awesome.  I can make a girl think, I can make her smile, laugh, cum...but I can never make her mine.  So yeah, I'm sad a lot.

I want love, but I can't have it.  Other people just go out and get it or it comes to them so naturally...me...I can't even get a date anymore.  The moment a girl realizes I like her, she runs...and if I pursue her further, I'm the bad guy.  So I quit.  There is no "love" for me.  Due to my health conditions I couldn't have it anyways.

"Be patient, love will come, there's a girl out there for you!"  I'm in my forties now...that mealy-mouthed pity shit doesn't work and I'm past my expiration date.  If it hasn't happened by now, it's not going to happen!  Girls who talk down to me...lecture me...telling me what my problems are and what I need to "fix"...do they even know the anguish of never having love, sex, marriage or children?

Like I can flip some switch and be younger, richer, healthier, more handsome, more confident and improve my personality...no...it's over for me and very hard for me to understand & accept.

This is gonna be very cynical & bitter, but I have 2 theories about women and "love".  A "market value" theory where people rate themselves and potential mates and decide if I'm good enough or not...and guess what, I am for good enough unattractive/crazy/used/broken girls, but not for anyone else.  Then the next theory is the "fuck it list" of things people wanna fuck before they die...guess I fit a lot of the niche things on the list, but nothing lasting or truly real...not the honeymoon night, not the happily ever after.  And is there even a happily ever after anymore these days?  Do I even want love if it's not gonna last

---

6.15.2022

Hello, my name is Garrison Andrew Kane and this is my Blogger!  I figured I'd make an "about me" section to welcome people and talk about myself.  This feels kinda old school, ya know, like back in the day when you first got the internet and you write a description of yourself on your AOL profile...ha ha ha.

I guess I can start with my physical stats: I'm 6'3", lanky build, goofy lookin' (I used to describe myself as Shaggy from Scooby Doo), long dishwater blonde hair usually pulled back in a ponytail, thin red beard.  I wear glasses, but no piercings, tats or other body mods.  I'm usually wearing a Nintendo or video game t-shirt with black slacks and black Reebok shoes.  I'm of Cherokee, Irish, German, Polish and Scandinavian decent, but mostly I'm a Brier mutt!

Garrison means guardian, military outpost or a collection of angelic warriors which is befitting as I am protective and have a deep sense of justice, I believe in punishing wrong and I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior.  My handle "DrGAKMAN" is an old grade school nickname which combines "Dr" + my initials "GAK" + "MAN" that I continued to use once I went online.

I'm a Christ believer first and foremost, beliefs are very important to me.  I try to be a hard worker and love to fix things and create, when I'm not being a picky procrastinating perfectionist (ya know, busy being lazy).  I currently have 4 jobs: GAMESWAP, stay after there to work on repairs, GFS & online stuff.  I live by myself and do take care of myself with no help but I'm in a lot of medical & credit card debt so I will have to work non-stop, heh...but I do okay.

I'm a sensitive sentimental person, sometimes a bit dramatic with my emotions.  I'm a hopeless romantic, I have lots of love to give and I want old-fashioned love.  I'm shy, but once I feel close to someone, I talk their brains out with a lot of deep stuff, fun memes and useless information.  I'm a kid at heart and don't look, feel or act my age.  I'm a bit of a flirt and sexual person, but I like to think I'm a gentleman pervert.  I sometimes have an overbearing domineering vibe that usually rubs some people the wrong way, but I can't help that's who I am.

I have a lot of interests and work on lot's of projects.  I am a loyal person, to both the people I care about and to the companies I work for or products I buy.  I'm nostalgic about things I liked growing up and I like old toys and media.  I like gadgets, electronics, the internet and also looking into future technology.  I'm into science, business, history, fantasy and nerdy stuff.  I have a lot of passion/interest in God, Nintendo, Japanimations yet I find that some people who are fans of those things can be annoying and I know those things come with pre-loaded stigmas.  I walk everywhere (can't really afford a car) but I enjoy walking (and playing PokéMon GO as I walk) and I also take the bus, but I know that comes stigmas too.  I enjoy being alone with myself but at the same time I get lonely.  I like to write, draw, sing, dance, cook, eat...and I love to show people things they've never seen before.  I love to share, teach and learn with those I love.

As a lover I like to hug, cuddle, smooch, hold hands and go on walks.  I like to share fantasies, write her love stories, express my love to her in new ways.  I like to go out, try new things, but also stay in and just spend time together alone.  Do things we've never done before, make it to where she'll never forget me.  Attraction and affection are very important in a relationship to me, but sometimes I go too slow or too fast.  I'm waiting for marriage to go all the way with a girl, a day I don't think will ever come for me.  Deep down I want that love with marriage and children, so I am sad a lot 'cos I don't think it's possible for me due to my breathing condition (read below).

I don't smoke, do drugs or drink and I don't like that stuff.  I try to be chill, but sometimes I'm pretty intense.  I have a temper, I tend to yell, I'm hard on myself and I'm hard to satisfy.  I'm sometimes too negative and pessimistic so I tend to spiral, but I believe happiness is a choice and I'm really trying to choose that every day!  I have a lot of problems, but I think everyone does.  I'm honest and I'm willing to admit my faults and I wear my heart on my sleeve so I can't be fake or lie about how I'm feeling.

I do think there are two of me, a bright side and a dark side...there are negative & positive qualities to both.  The negative me assumes too much and always thinks the worst but is very passionate and realistic.  The positive me is fun and happy but has delusional dreams that would never happen.  There is a time to be silly and a time to be serious so finding a balance between the two is important.

There's a lot more to me, but this is probably getting too deep.  I want this page to be about me as a person, but also about what this blogger is for.  I'm trying not to make this blogger my online diary, but a place to share my beliefs, ideas, interests and projects.  Heh...

My Breathing Condition

I am terminally ill with an untreatable, incurable disease called spontaneous pneumothorax.  There, I said it.  Only really close friends knew about this and I kept it hidden most of my life 'cos I don't want attention, pity, to burden anyone, special treatment, sympathy or to make anyone worry.  I didn't want my mother to know and worry, either...but now that she's passed away, I don't have to hide it from her anymore.  I only come out with it in an effort to explain some things.

Why am I always sad, why do I self-sabotage relationships with girls, why am I so hard on myself, why do I sometimes just...seemingly hate myself?  I want something I can't have...the love of a woman.  I tell people I'm waiting for marriage (which is true, but at this point, seems like a dream now), but truthfully...I can't have sex, I just freeze and am unable to breath.  I hate wanting love, when it would only break her heart when I die.  I feel selfish for wanting something I can't have, jealous of others who have it, angry at the world.  Girls have left me 'cos I won't go "all the way" with them, some have used me 'cos I'm a "safe" guy who won't go too far...I was good at cyber sex, phone sex and writing erotic stories for them 'cos it's the only kind of sex I can have.  In real life, I can't have sex.

...I have a high threshold for pain.  My eye socket was crushed by a rusty pipe when I was 6, I was molested by two siblings (something I also kept hidden to protect other family members from the truth), a kid stepped on my head swimming and I bit the bottom of a swimming pool crushing some teeth until nerve endings were exposed, my "father" beat my mother in front of me, my appendix exploded before I was able to get to the hospital, my heart is a constant stepping stone for "love", I was crushed by a forklift, I have lost so many friends 'cos they can't handle my negativity, I was hit by a car and landed on my head, I punish myself constantly...I tell you all this so you can see, I can handle pain!  And to also say, the worst pain I've ever experienced is when I have an episode of this disease.

There's nothing "spontaneous" about it...I know what causes it...stress and heartbreak.  So it's two-fold, unbelievable physical and emotional pain.  I stress myself out to the point, I literally am killing myself...which also throws in the mental conundrum of suicide...suicide is wrong and I'd never do it deliberately, but 'cos of how I handle things in life, I am killing myself in another way.

The disease is where my lungs just deflate.  Something goes wrong in my life and I get so upset and hold it all in until I explode in crying anger.  Then I can't breath.  It's not like a panic attack or something that comes and goes for short periods of time...sometimes an episode can last over a week before a (or both) lung(s) deflate.  Eventually one collapses, which can be fatal...I've been resuscitated a few times from this...I've died before.

The deflating pain is unbelievable...sometimes gasping to breath, my chest wall caves in crushing my insides, I look in the mirror and my chest looks disgusting, horrible back pain and my arm(s) go numb like I'm having a heart attack.  It keeps deflating and eventually calms down and stops...takes days or longer, bad ones over a week.  But it's not over, 'cos my body attempts to heal as my lungs fill back up with air, as each bronchiole or air sac or vessel fills back up it feels like blowing into a crushed water bottle as everything (my bones/muscles; my ribs, back, sternum, collarbones, shoulders) snaps and resets back into place.  The pain is unbearable at times...and it takes much longer to fill back up with air than it does to deflate, sometimes over a month...if a lung completely collapses, it can take nearly a year to recover.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone...

All hospitals will do is keep me in a bed on oxygen to x-ray me multiple times until my lungs stop deflating and then send me a bill.  That's not treatment 'cos I miss work and it does nothing to stop or fix it.  I foresee myself workin' 'til the day I die to since I'm in so much debt (medical and otherwise).  TO BE CLEAR: there is NO real treatment, medication, surgery, cure or fix for this condition!  I've just had to cut things out of my life to try to de-stress.

Being with a girl is, all I want...and I'm good at it, but I have to pace myself and try not to go too far too fast or else I just stop breathing.  I have had to fight girls off of me 'cos they keep going and they think I can't "perform" or that I'm gay...or who the hell knows, I lose them all.  Some try to be understanding, but eventually they want too much and I can't give it to them.  Try this, try that...I've tried everything...I'm a pervert and I've done all kinds of foreplay, but it takes me too long 'cos I have to watch my breathing and it's not a good experience.

Sometimes my life is torture...

But life is precious...I've been near death enough times to cling to it.  If these words could somehow keep me or someone reading going...then I have to tell the world.

At the time I initially wrote this (2018) it had started again, went to the hospital after I fell and my insurance was denied so I left without "treatment"...I literally think my anger kept me alive and fighting.  While in there, I deleted my facebook and after a real bad day (bad experience in PokéMon GO, girl I liked this past month ended up having a bf, got in a fight with a close friend)  I felt like telling myself: "I quit".

When it comes to love or having a relationship, I sorta have given up...which is sad, but it's to keep myself safe.  I basically settle for shyly flirting with or givin' hugs to a few pretty girls I know.  They're my galz and I'm happy with seein' them smile and briefly feeling their softness against me.  That's more than enough for me at this point in my life.

I'm so sorry if I hurt anyone.  I'm sorry I keep hurting myself.  I have so much love to give, I don't want to be known as someone dying, I'm passed my expiration date already, but I'm still going.  Sometimes I don't believe in love for me anymore, it hurts to get my hopes up for such a thing but sometimes hope is all ya got.  It's difficult to be content with this loneliness, but I have to be for my health.

If you look up the condition it's lung deflating/collapsing brought on by something that can't be immediately explained, therefore it's spontaneous.  Pneumothorax (lung deflation/collapse) can happen when someone is going through something physically traumatic (a car wreck, a fall, etc.) and shouldn't happen often in a person's life.  It being spontaneously happening many times throughout a person's life is rare, but I know of two celebrities who have similar body types to my own who've had this condition continue through their lives: Ric Ocasek & John Holmes.  It's not "spontaneous" with me, I can explain it: I stress myself out to the point I collapse in pain.  I can handle most stress, except when it comes to girls, who I've always had bad luck with.  I don't trust the healthcare industrial complex (hospitals, medicine, doctors, insurance, psychiatrists, etc.) in part 'cos I was misdiagnosed with asthma for the longest time.  They would tell me just use this medicine or inhaler but I still couldn't breath, so then they switched treatments year after year being their guinea pig, nothing worked.  Eventually one welfare system doctor suggested it was "all in my head" and then we were told to go to a psychiatrist like as if I was faking asthma...yeah, that helped!  The psychiatrists I saw were quick to wrongly diagnose me and prescribe me with drugs, too.  Basically I had to be on the brink of death in the emergency room one time before someone listened to me and decided to give me an x-ray and wouldn't ya know, my left lung completely collapsed and my right lung was deflating. A real (non-welfare) doctor came in to label it spontaneous pneumothorax, but there was no real cure/fix for it.  It would happen several more times and all they could do is x-ray me hourly throughout a night and pump me full of oxygen.  I feel they're all quacks so I've tried to lower my stress over the years, namely by avoiding hospitals.