11.28.2024
Hello, my name is Garrison Andrew Kane and this is my Blogger! Garrison means guardian, military outpost or a collection of angelic warriors which is befitting as I am protective and have a deep sense of justice, I believe in punishing wrong and I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior. My handle "DrGAKMAN" is an old grade school nickname which combines "Dr" + my initials "GAK" + "MAN" that I continued to use once I went online.
Physically: I'm 6'3", lanky build, goofy lookin' (I used to describe myself as Shaggy from Scooby Doo), long dishwater blonde hair usually pulled back in a ponytail with a thin red beard. I wear glasses, but no piercings, tats or other body mods. I'm usually wearing a Nintendo or video game t-shirt with black slacks and Reebok shoes. I'm of Cherokee, Irish, German, Polish and Scandinavian decent, but mostly I'm a Brier mutt!
I'm a Christ believer first and foremost, beliefs are very important to me and I have very strong beliefs rooted in many study hours and life experiences. Life is a lesson to be learned. I try to be a hard worker and love to fix things, solve problems and create, when I'm not being a picky procrastinating perfectionist (ya know, busy being lazy). I currently have 4 jobs: GAMESWAP, stay after there to work on repairs, GFS & online stuff...plus my YouTube & this Blogger as well as other projects. I live by myself and take care of myself with no help but I'm in a lot of medical & credit card debt so I will have to work 'til the day I die...heh...but helps from keeping becoming idle (idle hands do the devil's work). I've found that you start dying when you stop moving.
I'm a sensitive sentimental person, sometimes a bit dramatic with my emotions. I enjoy being alone with myself but at the same time I get lonely. I'm a hopeless romantic, I have lots of love to give and I want old-fashioned love. I'm shy, but once I feel close to someone, I talk their brains out with a lot of deep stuff, fun memes and useless information. I'm a kid at heart and don't look, feel or act my age. I'm a bit of a flirt and sexual person, but I like to think I'm a gentleman pervert. I have dark sense of humor, but I like all kinds of comedy from childish to more adult. I sometimes have an overbearing domineering vibe and tone that usually rubs some people the wrong way, but I can't help that's who I am.
I don't smoke, do drugs or drink and I don't like that stuff as I've seen family & friends destroy themselves with it. I try to be chill, but sometimes I'm pretty intense. I have a temper, I tend to yell, I'm hard on myself and I'm hard to satisfy. I'm sometimes too negative and pessimistic so I tend to spiral, but I believe happiness is a choice and I'm really trying to choose that every day! I have a lot of problems, but I think everyone does. I'm honest and I'm willing to admit my faults and I wear my heart on my sleeve so I can't be fake or lie about how I'm feeling.
I do think there are two of me: a bright side and a dark side...there are negative & positive qualities to both. The negative me assumes too much and always thinks the worst but is very passionate and realistic. The positive me is fun and happy but has delusional dreams that would never happen. There is a time to be silly and a time to be serious so finding a balance between the two is important. There's a lot more to me, but this is probably getting too deep.
I have a lot of passion/interest in God, Nintendo, Japanimations and I work on lot's of projects. I am a loyal person, to both the people I care about and to the companies I work for or things I like. I'm nostalgic about things I liked growing up so I like old toys and media. I like gadgets, electronics, the internet and also looking into future technology. I'm into science, business, history, fantasy, comics and nerdy stuff. I've spent too much of my life online but that greatly decreased once I got rid of social media...I still am online for information, work, projects & entertainment. I walk everywhere (can't really afford a car and I'm not a good driver) but I enjoy playing PokéMon GO as I walk and I also take the bus. Being a Christ believer, who rides the bus and is into Nintendo & Japanimations comes with a LOT of pre-loaded stigmas that I myself don't like and try not to have, but I understand why most pre-judge who I am and the things I'm into...
Specifically: my favorite music is the group ASIA, my favorite movie is The Wizard, my favorite game series is Metroid but I have a ton more favorites in each of those categories. I couldn't really pick a favorite food 'cos I love so many different dishes. I've made posts & pages here to talk about the above, but I need to make more 'cos I have so much to share. I like to write, draw, sing, dance, cook, eat...and I love to show people things they've never seen before. I love to share, teach and learn with those I love.
In a relationship: I like to hug, cuddle, smooch, hold hands and go on walks. I like to share fantasies, go out and try new things, but also stay in and just spend time together alone. Attraction and affection are very important in a relationship to me, but sometimes I go too slow or too fast. I'm waiting for marriage to go all the way with a girl, a day I don't think will ever come for me. Deep down I want that love with marriage and children, so I am sad a lot 'cos I don't think it's possible for me due to my breathing condition...
I am terminally ill with an untreatable, incurable disease called spontaneous pneumothorax. I kept it hidden most of my life 'cos I don't want attention, pity, to burden anyone, special treatment, sympathy or to make anyone worry. I didn't want my mother to know and worry, either...but now that she's passed away, I don't have to hide it from her anymore. I only come out with it in an effort to explain some things...
Why do I always seem so sad, why do I self-sabotage relationships, why am I so hard on myself, why do I sometimes just...seem so depressed/depressing? I want something I can't have: the love of a woman. I say that I'm waiting for marriage (which is true, but at this point, seems like a dream now), but truthfully...I can't have sex, I just am unable to breath. I hate wanting love, when it would only hurt her if I die. I feel selfish for wanting something I can't have, jealous of others who have it, angry at the world. Girls have left me 'cos I won't go "all the way" with them, some have used me 'cos I'm a "safe" guy who won't go too far...I was good at cyber sex, phone sex and writing erotic stories for them 'cos it's the only kind of sex I can have.
I have a high threshold for pain. My eye socket was crushed by a rusty pipe when I was 6, I was molested by two siblings (something I also kept hidden to protect other family members), while swimming once a kid stepped on my head and I bit the bottom of the swimming pool crushing some teeth until nerve endings were exposed, my "father" beat my mother in front of me, my appendix almost exploded before I was able to get to the hospital, my heart is a constant stepping stone for love, I was crushed by a forklift, I have lost so many friends 'cos they can't handle my negativity, I was hit by a car and landed on my head, I punish myself constantly...I tell you all this so you can see, I can handle pain! And to also say, the worst pain I've ever experienced is when I have an episode of this disease.
The disease is where my lungs just deflate. There's nothing "spontaneous" about it...I know what causes it...stress and heartbreak. So it's two-fold, unbelievable physical and emotional pain. I stress myself out to the point I...can't breath. Something goes wrong in my life and I get so upset and hold it all in until I can't anymore. Then I can't breath. It's not like a panic attack or something that comes and goes for short periods of time...sometimes an episode of this can last over a week before a (or both) lung(s) deflate. Eventually one collapses, which can be fatal...I've been resuscitated a few times from this...I've died before.
The deflating pain is unbelievable...sometimes gasping to breath, my chest wall caves in crushing my insides, I look in the mirror and my chest looks disgusting, horrible back pain and my arm(s) go numb like I'm having a heart attack. It keeps deflating and eventually calms down and stops...takes days or longer, bad ones over a week. But it's not over, 'cos my body attempts to heal as my lungs fill back up with air, as each bronchiole or air sac or vessel fills back up breathing feels like blowing into a crushed water bottle as everything (my bones/muscles; my ribs, back, sternum, collarbones, shoulders) snaps and resets back into place. The pain is unbearable at times...and it takes much longer to fill back up with air than it does to deflate, sometimes over a month...if a lung completely collapses, it can take nearly a year to recover.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone...
All hospitals will do is keep me in a bed on oxygen to x-ray me multiple times until my lungs stop deflating and then send me a bill. That's not treatment 'cos I miss work and it does nothing to stop or fix it. I foresee myself workin' 'til the day I die since I'm in so much debt (medical and otherwise). TO BE CLEAR (since people always suggest "fixes"): there is NO real treatment, medication, surgery, cure or fix for this condition! I've just had to cut things out of my life to try to de-stress.
Being with a girl is, all I want...but I have to pace myself and try not to go too far too fast or else I just stop breathing. It's very difficult to "come out" and explain this to someone I'm intimate with. Some try to be understanding, but eventually they want too much and I can't give it to them. Try this, try that, I've tried everything...I'm a pervert and I've done all kinds of foreplay, but it takes me too long 'cos I have to watch my breathing and most girls can't hang with that. I have had to fight girls off of me 'cos they keep going and they think I'm just shy/nervous (which I am, but that's on top of everything else) or that I can't "perform" or that I'm gay or that I don't love them...or who the hell knows, I lose them all in the end.
Sometimes my life is torture...
But life is precious...I've been near death enough times to cling to it. If these words could somehow keep me or someone reading going...then I have to tell the world.
When it comes to love or having a relationship, I sorta have given up...which is sad, but it's to keep myself safe...it's too painful to get my hopes up for love yet sometimes, hope is all we got.
Usually when I share this with a girl they start giving advice I didn't ask for. It's like they seem to find it unbelievable that I haven't had sex at my age and it either turns some off like I'm an inexperienced loser or turns some on 'cos they wanna "get" or "claim" me. This causes some of them to look down at me or even insult my abilities or beliefs like I'm a sexual invalid or emotionally immature. It makes it very difficult to share this with a girl 'cos they look at or treat me differently. Then it feels like it's TMI and some get scared off by it...and I don't wanna scare anyone away.
I am thankful for the experiences with many wonderful girls I call lost loves and I am content with dying a virgin. I think about sex *non-stop* but there's more to life than sex.
If you look up the condition it's lung deflating/collapsing brought on by something that can't be immediately explained, therefore it's spontaneous. Pneumothorax (lung deflation/collapse) can happen when someone is going through something physically traumatic (a car wreck, a bad fall, etc.) and shouldn't happen often in a person's life. It being spontaneously happening many times throughout a person's life is rare, but I know of two celebrities who have similar body types to my own who've had this condition continue through their lives: Ric Ocasek & John Holmes. I can explain how it happens to me: I stress myself out to the point I collapse in pain. I can handle most stress, except when it comes to love (girls I have feelings for or friends I care deeply for) or work which I consider my livelihood.
I don't trust the healthcare industrial complex (hospitals, medicine, doctors, insurance, psychiatrists, etc.) in part 'cos I was misdiagnosed with asthma for the longest time. They would tell me just use this medicine or inhaler but I still couldn't breath, so then they switched treatments year after year being their guinea pig, nothing worked. Eventually one welfare system doctor suggested it was "all in my head" and then we were told to go to a psychiatrist like as if I was faking asthma...yeah, that helped! The psychiatrists I saw were quick to wrongly diagnose me and prescribe me with drugs, too. Basically I had to be on the brink of death in the emergency room one time before someone listened to me and decided to give me an x-ray and wouldn't ya know, my left lung completely collapsed and my right lung was deflating. A real (non-welfare) doctor came in to label it spontaneous pneumothorax, but there was no real cure/fix for it. It would happen several more times and all they could do is x-ray me hourly throughout a night and pump me full of oxygen. I feel they're all quacks so I've tried to lower my stress over the years, namely by avoiding hospitals.
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Most of the above was written a while ago and I think I've made a lot of good changes in my life so I feel a lot more happy, stable, calm and contented. I know this can be a lot to take in, but...
I'm more than a sum of my broken parts
I'm more than a product of my bad environment
I'm more than a label of my unhealthy condition
...and so are you
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-DrGAKMAN Projects-
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
The Gentleman Pervert
Abstract Comix
House Tapes
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-DrGAKMAN Friends-
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
These are people, companies or projects that I'm personally friends of or involved with. They're all my friends, so I'm posting some information/links for each!
GAMESWAP
Honey
PokéMon Balloons
PokéMon Balloons
Kawaii Cups
Lyranite
Jessy Anderson
Gem City Digital
ProtoBar
Rotten Ink
Sparkle Comics
Rockstar Wrestling
independent b movie
Todd The Fox
Victoria's Podcast
Baron Von Porkchop
Fritz The Night Owl
Horrorama
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